- 1. How can I get my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife interested in sex toys?
- 2. Which sex toy should I try first?
- 3. Which vibrator is best?
- 4. What's the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?
- 5. How do Ben Wa Balls work?
- 6. How do you use a cock ring?
- 7. Can I use sex toys during my pregnancy?
- 8. My boyfriend ejaculates too quickly. How can he last longer?
- 9. Mine is so small, do women really prefer big penises?
- 10. Why does my husband watch porn?
- 11. Is there a proper or better way to give Fellatio?
- 12. I've never had an orgasm with anyone or even by myself. Why can't I come?
- 13. What is the G-spot? Where is it? How can I find it?
- 14. Why do I lose bladder control when I have an orgasm?
- 15. Anytime my boyfriend and I have sex, I'm so tight that he has a hard time getting his penis in. What can we do to open my vagina?
- 16. I want to have sex, but I'm afraid it will hurt. Does it?
- 17. When my boyfriend licks my clit, it's too intense and gets uncomfortable. Is this normal?
- 18. I want to try Anal Sex but my partner doesn't. How can I change his/her mind?
- 19. I want sex more often (or less often) than my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband. Our desire differences are driving me crazy... how can that be?
- 20. Our sex drives are healthy and we enjoy making love. However, both of us admit our love making is boring.. any suggestions?
- 21. Can you help us set up groundrules in regards to "Threesomes"?
- 22. My wife thinks it's sick for me to masturbate. How can I make her understand that it's normal?
- 23. How can I shave my pubic hair without irriitation?
- 24. My boyfriend is a insulin-dependent diabetic. I hear this can cause impotence. Is this true?
- 25. Is it normal for a woman who is definitely not lesbian, to have sexual curiosity and fantasies about other women?
- 26. I'm interested in having my nipples and clit pierced. Is this safe?
How can I get my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife interested in sex toys?:
Persuading a partner to try sex toys is similar to coaxing them into trying anything new, any type of change.
1. Getting a Lover Interested in Sex Toys
Q: How can I get my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife interested in sex toys? How can I introduce a vibrator or other toys into my relationship without offending or turning off my partner?
A: Persuading a partner to try sex toys is similar to coaxing them into trying anything new, any type of change. Change can be unsettling. Sexual changes can be even more so because they are so intimate and loaded with emotion.
Some people fear that sex toys might "replace" them. You can reassure your lover that he or she is irreplaceable, that toys are just enhancements that introduce some variety and spice to sex. Do sexy movies replace you for your partner? Of course not. They probably turn your lover on so that he or she enjoys sex with you even more. Tell your partner that you feel the same way about sex toys.
Some people fear that sex toys are "weird." They're not. In fact, a recent survey by researchers at the University of California, at San Francisco, shows that 10 percent of American couples use vibrators and other sex toys at least occasionally, and that the number of sex-toy users is rising.
Some people believe that sex should be limited to what's "natural," just your two bodies with nothing extraneous. That's a legitimate opinion, but chances are that your sex-toy-shy lover doesn't really hold that view. Does he or she get turned on by lingerie? Erotic movies? Making love by candle light? Those enhancements are also "unnatural," but they add spice to sex. Pointing this out might help to provide some perspective on your desire to introduce sex toys into your relationship.
Birthdays are a good time to make special requests. And Valentine's Day is a good time to make special sexual requests. You might ask for a special birthday or Valentine's sex date that includes a sex toy, perhaps as part of a romantic weekend away. If your lover consents to such a special request, be sure to tell him or her how much you appreciate it, and how erotic you find adding a vibrator or other sex toys to your lovemaking. Everyone likes complements from a turned-on lover. Your thanks and enthusiasm might prove contagious
If your partner remains adamantly opposed to sex toys and you don't already use a lubricant, you might try introducing that first. In our experience, it's a rare lover who doesn't find them sexually enhancing. Lubricants can help persuade people that sex toys can be fun.
Or visit Videosextoy.com together and browse the merchandise. Say that you'll gladly spend up to a figure you feel comfortable with on any product or products your partner finds intriguing. We get a good deal of mail from people saying that just VIEWING our print or online catalog is a turn-on that sends them rushing off to bed. That's fine with us--whatever turns you on. But if the catalog turns your partner on, it shouldn't take much of an emotional leap to realize that the actual contents of the catalog could do the same--or more.
As a last resort, you might buy the toy you want, use it solo, leave it in plain sight, and then tell your partner there's only one thing missing--his or her participation.
Which sex toy should I try first?:
Q: I'm new to sex toys. Which one should I try first? There are so many different vibrators and dildos. Which is best for a first-timer?
A: Whichever one strikes your fancy. It's really an individual thing. Some people prefer to start with a vibrator, others a dildo, and still others, some other toy. The whole idea behind enhancing lovemaking with sex toys is to be playful. Which one do you think it would be fun to play with? Which one is fuel for your sexual fantasies? If you're planning to use your toy in a couple, which one turns on both of you? There is no "best" toy to start with, no "best" toy, period. There is only the toy--or toys--that appeal to you and your unique experience of sexuality. Click through the Videosextoy.com catalog and decide which one fires your erotic imagination. Happy hunting
Which vibrator is best?:
Q: I have decided to buy my first vibrator, but I don't know what to get. There are so many different kinds. Do you have any suggestions? My wife's birthday is coming up. Which vibrator is best?
A:There is no "best" vibrator, and no vibrator we recommend as a "first" one. It's really up to you. Different people have different preferences, which is why Videosextoy.com carries such a large selection. But perhaps we can help guide your selection
Consider shape. Some vibrators are cylindrical or realistically phallic. Others have ball-shaped vibrating heads. And some are specialty products: vibrating nipple clips, vibrating vaginal eggs, etc.. If you think you'd enjoy vaginal or anal insertion, a phallic vibrator is the way to go. If insertion feel less exciting to you than intense clitoral stimulation, a ball-shaped vibe is probably your best bet.
Consider the power supply. Some vibrators are battery-powered. Others use wall current. Battery-powered models are more portable, so you can use them in more places, a plus if you enjoy getting a buzz in the back yard or on a picnic, or anywhere else away from wall current. They also tend to weigh less than wired vibes. But with a few exceptions, battery models generally produce less intense sensations than wall-current vibrators, and batteries can run down at inconvenient moments. Many Videosextoy customers have both a battery-powered vibrator and one that plugs in.
Consider your fantasies. Some vibrators are housed inside realistic-looking plastic, latex, jelly, or Cyberskin(TM) penises. Others come in more streamlined shapes. Think about which type fires your imagination, and start there.
If you have trouble deciding, we'd suggest starting with Videosextoy's popular Forbidden Lover vibrator kit. It comes with a battery-powered, seven-inch vibrator and six creative attachments that can give you quite an introduction to the wonderful world of vibes. Have fun.
What's the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?:
Q:What's the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?
A: Basically, a vibrator vibrates and a dildo doesn't. A vibrator uses batteries or wall current to power a small motor that makes it vibrate.
When placed against the body, the vibrations can provide a relaxing massage. When placed against the clitoris, vaginal lips, anus, penis, or scrotum, or inside the vagina or anus, the vibrations can provide sexual stimulation that contribute to erotic pleasure orgasm.
Vibrators come in two basic forms--phallic (penis-shaped) and ball-topped. Phallic vibrators are long plastic or jelly cylinders with a tapered end. Some are realistic-looking penis models. Ball-topped vibrators have vibrating ball-shaped ends. Ball-topped vibrators often deliver more intense sensations, but are not typically introduced into the vagina.
It's easy to use a vibrator. Just turn it on. If it's adjustable, set it to the speed (intensity) you like. Experiment for yourself. Have fun.
Dildos are either realistic or fanciful models of the penis. Some are modeled on porn stars. Dildos can be used like a penis. Typically, they are inserted into the mouth, vagina, or anus, or rubbed against the clitoris.
Videosextoy.com sells dozens of different vibrators and dildos: different shapes, sizes, styles, made from different materials. Videosextoy.com also sells several vibrator kits--a standard phallic vibrator along with different erotic attachments that allow a wider range of sexual excitement.
For comfort, we suggest using a lubricant with vibrators and dildos. Lubricants increase comfort by preventing the irritation that's possible when a dry sex toy rubs against dry skin, particularly sensitive genital skin. Lubricants also intensify the sensations the toy produces. Videosextoy sells several different lubes. If you're not sure which one you like best, we suggest Videosextoy's Lubricant Sampler Kit, which contains five different lubes.
How do Ben Wa Balls work?:
Q: How do Ben Wa Balls work? How do I know I'm using them properly? So far, mine haven't given me any pleasure. Can ben-wa balls get lost inside me? Can they strengthen the pelvic muscles and lead to better orgasms? I put them in and don't feel anything. What am I doing wrong?
A: Ben wa balls are an ancient Asian sex toy. They are also the most subtle sex toy. But the fact that they've been around for more than 1,000 years shows that they have real value. Basically, what they do is quietly awaken women to their sexuality.
Ben wa balls come in pairs. Using them is like playing a little game with yourself. The original idea was for the woman to try to hold the balls in her vagina, not when making love, but rather, during everyday activities. At first, the balls fall out, so initially you want to be discreet with them. But after a while, many women can walk around with ben wa balls inside and keep them from falling out.
To hold ben wa balls inside the vagina, a woman has to strengthen her PC muscle, the one she contracts to interrupt urine flow or squeeze out the last few drops. The PC is also one of the main muscles that contracts during orgasm and provides a great deal of the pleasure in orgasm. So holding ben wa balls in helps women tone their PCs--and enjoy more pleasurable orgasms.
(Women--and men--can also tone their PCs without ben wa balls, using Kegel exercises. Identify the PC by focusing on the muscle you contract to interrupt urine flow or squeeze out the last few drops. Then contract it in sets of five squeezes three or four times a day. Most people notice increased orgasm intensity in a month or so.)
Another way to play with ben wa balls is for the woman to insert them, then lie on her back, bends her legs drawing her knees up to her chest, and rocking back and forth, allowing the balls to roll around inside her vagina. While she rocks in this position, the balls can strike each other inside her vagina, adding a sound that adds to some women's (and men's) pleasure. Some Ben Wa balls even chime musically when they strike each other.
Finally, some couples enjoy intercourse with ben wa balls in the vagina. Just be careful. If the penis pushes a ball against the cervix, the woman may experience discomfort. Insertion should happen very slowly with ben wa balls inside.
Don't expect the intense pleasure of clitoral stimulation or orgasm from ben-wa balls. As we mentioned, their effect is subtle. If it's too subtle for you, then you've got the wrong sex toy.
Ben-wa balls cannot get lost inside you. They are too large to pass through the cervix, so they remain in the vagina. It's possible that if your vagina is unusually long that one or both might slip out of reach. If so, simply stand up, relax your PC, and gravity should draw them down and out.
Videosextoy.com sells Ben Wa balls. Pick up a pair, and then use your imagination.
How do you use a cock ring?:
Q: How do you use a cock ring? Do they really help maintain erection? Or is this bull? Can cock rings damage the penis and cause erectile dysfunction?
A: Cock rings are rubber or leather donut-shaped devices that tightly encircle the erect penis. They are the main sex toy used to help maintain erection. They don't work miracles, but they can help a little.
Blood circulates in and out of the penis both when it's flaccid and erect. The arteries that carry blood into the penis run through the center of the organ, so during erection, as blood fills the penis' spongy erectile tissues, a cock ring doesn't keep blood out. However, the major veins that carry blood out of the penis run closer to the organ's outer skin. As the penis expands in erection, these veins naturally get somewhat compressed, which restricts blood outflow. A cock ring can restrict outflow a bit more. The net effect is somewhat greater blood build-up in the penis, and a slightly firmer erection.
In addition, cock rings have a psychological effect. Nerves control how much the penile arteries expand to carry extra blood into the penis. These nerves--and the arteries as well--are sensitive to stress. If a man feels stressed, his erection are likely to be less full and firm. But if a man believes that a cock ring will help his erection, he's likely to feel reassured and become more relaxed, which helps usher more blood into the penis whether or not he uses a ring.
We've never heard of any cases of cock rings causing penile damage or erection impairment. We pay fairly close attention to the medical literature, and if cock rings caused harm, it's quite likely that there would be case reports in the medical journals. We don't know of any. On the other hand, although the penis is a tough, reasonably resilient little guy, playing too rough can cause damage.
There are two kinds of cock rings--adjustable and nonadjustable. If you're at all concerned about damaging your penis, we suggest an adjustable ring, which is easy to keep from becoming uncomfortably tight. Videosextoy.com sells several of both types of cock rings. Check our catalog for the one that appeals most to you.
Can I use sex toys during my pregnancy?:
Q: I just found out that I am pregnant. This is my second child. I wanted to know if I can use toys during my pregnancy?
A: Yes, if you have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy with no past history of premature labor, vaginal bleeding, or other complications that persuaded your prenatal care provider to recommend bed rest and no sex.
Many women wonder if they can have sex or use sex toys while pregnant. We know of no studies that have specifically addressed sex-toy use during pregnancy. But many studies have compared pregnancy outcomes of women who abstained from sex during pregnancy with women who enjoyed sex frequently. The results: No differences in rates of miscarriage, birth defects, low birth weight, or anything else physicians or prospective parents might worry about. Other studies have compared pregnant women who had orgasms with those who did not. The results were the same--no differences in outcome.
As far as the body is concerned, playing with sex toys is equivalent to partner sex so we feel confident in asserting that sex-toy use during pregnancy poses no hazards--in normal uncomplicated pregnancies.
However, we suggest caution with deep insertion of phallic vibrators and dildos if you have ever had a miscarriage or premature labor, or if your prenatal care provider is concerned about either possibility. Deep vaginal insertion may possibly stimulate uterine contractions. There is also some evidence that orgasm may also possibly stimulate uterine contractions. If you have a history of miscarriage or premature labor, discuss this with your prenatal care provider.
The weight and bulk of the developing fetus often puts pressure on a woman's rectum. That's one reason why many pregnant women complain of constipation. Rectal compression may make anal toys feel less comfortable. Use extra lubricant, and be aware of this possibility.
Pregnant women should take special care to prevent vaginal infections. Wash your sex toys carefully with soap and water after using them.
My boyfriend ejaculates too quickly. How can he last longer?:
Q: I come too quickly. How can I last longer? My boyfriend ejaculates almost immediately during intercourse. Is there any way he can last longer? My rapid ejaculation leaves my wife frustrated. What can I do?
A: This is one of the most common sex problems in men, particularly younger men. Fortunately, in the vast majority of cases, it's also pretty easy to cure. You can learn to last longer all by yourself, or with the help of a lover. And you don't need drugs, or anesthetic creams. Usually all you need is a little rethinking of your lovemaking, and a modest self-help program that involves perhaps a few new moves. But the sexual variations we recommend are fun, and should lead to a better sex life whether you're solo or in a relationship, not to mention that you should be able to last as long as you want--usually within a few weeks to a month.
The program we offer is best described in Sexual Solutions: For Men and the Women who Love Them by Michael Castleman. Videosextoy sells the book, and we've received many thank-you notes from men and couples who have used the program. Sexual Solutions devotes a 30-page chapter to lasting longer. But here are the highlights: Faced with involuntary ejaculation, most men try to distract themselves during intercourse, believing that by thinking about other things, they can trick themselves into lasting longer. Usually, this only makes things worse.
Don't tune out your body. TUNE INTO IT. You need to become more familiar with your different levels of sexual arousal. You also need to recognize how you feel as you approach your point of ejaculatory inevitability, the "point of no return." Once you recognize how you feel close to your point of no return, it's not difficult to make small sexual adjustments that allow you to remain highly arousal without ejaculating.
Sexual arousal is a four-phase process. In the Excitement Phase, breathing deepens, and erection begins. In the Plateau Stage, erection becomes full and you feel highly aroused. When arousal builds to a certain point, the next phase occurs, Orgasm with Ejaculation. Then during the Resolution Phase, breathing returns to normal and erection subsides. The key to ejaculatory control is to extend the Plateau Phase, to maintain arousal without triggering Orgasm and Ejaculation.
To learn ejaculatory control:
- Don't use drugs or alcohol. They're distracting and they interfere with the self-awareness crucial to learning ejaculatory control.
- Appreciate whole-body sensuality. Men often think sex happens only in the penis and only during intercourse. That view is a one-way ticket to uncontrolled ejaculation (not to mention erection problems, and women with those proverbial headaches). The best sex involves head-to-toe arousal. Men learning how to approach--but not arrive at--their point of no return, need to appreciate whole-body sensuality, the pleasure potential in every square inch of the body. Whole-body sensuality releases tension. Tense bodies that have no other outlet often find release through involuntary ejaculation. But as you learn to appreciate sensual pleasure from head to toe, whole-body arousal takes the pressure off your penis, and you last longer.
- Whole-body sensuality means relaxation, but the "relaxation" involved in great sex is not the kind that includes an easy chair, a six pack, and Monday Night Football. It's the kind you feel after a hot bath or a good massage. In fact, bathing or showering together before lovemaking can help men relax and appreciate whole-body sensuality--and last longer.
- Breathe deeply. One very easy way to stay relaxed while making love is to breathe deeply. The body has a natural tendency to breathe deeply during sex. But many men fight it. They think that a mark of being in control of sex involves stifling the natural urge to breathe deeply and make the little love-moans that go along with it. But when men work to control their breathing, they often sacrifice ejaculatory control. Try breathing deeply. Let your breath go. Many men are amazed how much this one little change improves ejaculatory control.
- Start with masturbation with a dry hand. By varying how you caress your penis, you can learn to stay highly aroused for quite a while without coming. When you feel yourself approaching your point of no return, simply back off a bit, stroke yourself more gently or not at all, and stay aroused without ejaculating. Then as you feel yourself getting a little distance from your point of no return, return to more vigorous self-stimulation. Repeat this several times over several sessions. Approach your point of no return, then back off. For most men, it doesn't take long to develop good ejaculatory control while alone using a dry hand.
- Then move on to masturbation with a lubricated hand. Use saliva, vegetable oil, or a commercial sexual lubricant. For most people, lubricants increase the sensual intensity of erotic fondling. Videosextoy.com sells several different brands. Follow the same program: Masturbate until you approach your point of no return, then back off. Repeat this several times over several sessions.
- Once you have good control during masturbation, appreciate whole-body sensuality, and feel comfortable breathing deeply during lovemaking, then you're ready for the couples program--if you're in a couple. The couple approach is called the "Stop-Start Technique." First, arrange "stop" and "start" signals with your lover, for example, the words "stop" and "start," or a light pinch or tap, or a tug on an ear.
Begin by having your lover stroke your penis by hand as you lie still. When you approach your point of no return, give the "stop" signal. Your lover immediately stops stroking you and simply holds your penis gently, as you continue to breathe deeply and pays close attention to the sensations you're feeling. When you no longer feel close to ejaculation, give the "start" signal, and your lover begins stroking you again. How many stops and starts should you do? A half-dozen over a 15-minute period works well for most couples. Do what feels comfortable for you.
With stop-start, the focus is on the man. He's the one learning the new skill. But don't forget the woman's sensual needs. As part of each practice session, she might guide your hand over her to show you what she likes. Once you've gained good ejaculatory control with your lover's hand, try the same stop-start procedure with oral caresses. Again, you begin by lying still. Once you've gained good control orally, feel free to start moving. You're making love again--but now you have ejaculatory control. Congratulations
Here are some other suggestions for lasting longer:
- The man-on-top (missionary) position can be fun, but it's harder for most men to control their ejaculatory timing, because they have to hold themselves up. Try making love with the woman on top. This position is more relaxing for men, and it often helps ejaculatory control.
- Make some noise. Love moans help men (and women) relax, and they often help men last longer.
- It's important to understand that learning ejaculatory control takes time and practice. You may feel a little awkward along the way. Try to maintain a sense of humor about any accidental spills.
Some penile skin creams advertise that they help a man last longer. These products contain topical anesthetics that dull sensation in the penis. If you like to play with penile sensation, there's no harm in using them. But they're not a good idea for learning to last longer. They dull sensation. But the key to lasting longer is for the man to become more familiar with what he feels so he can back off from his point of no return while still remaining highly aroused.
In recent years, physicians and some sex therapists have been treating involuntary ejaculation with antidepressant drugs. These drugs have sexual side effects, among them, delay of ejaculation. If all else fails, feel free to try them. But the vast majority of men don't need drugs if they commit to the self-help program we've outlined. In addition, the drugs prescribed for this problem may also have other sexual side effects, notably, loss of libido and possibly erection impairment.
Finally, the program we recommend for learning ejaculatory control is very likely to provide your lover with greater sexual enjoyment--but not just because you last longer. Women generally prefer leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-oriented sensuality that includes the genitals but is not limited to them. Women's main complaints about men's sexual style are that it's too rushed, too mechanical, too eager for intercourse, and that it focuses only on the breasts and genitals. Women generally feel that the whole body is a sensual playground, and can't understand why so many men explore only a few corners of it. Like women, penises generally prefer leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-oriented lovemaking. The rushed, penis-centered, intercourse-fixated sex style puts a lot of pressure on the penis, and leads to premature ejaculation. But when men make love the way women prefer, whole-body arousal takes the pressure off your penis and you last longer. Basically, if men would make love the way women prefer, women would have fewer complaints, and men would have fewer sex problems.
For more information on lasting longer, pick up a copy of Sexual Solutions. We recommend the book highly. You can order it from Videosextoy.com
Mine is so small, do women really prefer big penises?:
Q: Mine is too small. Can I make it larger? How? Do women prefer big penises? Do penis pumps and cock rings help? What about surgery?
A: You can't get more than God gave you. But you can make the most of what you've got, and look better hung than you do now.
For the record, the average flaccid penis is about three inches long, the average erection, about six to seven. But averages mean that some penises are larger and some are smaller. Smaller flaccid penises grow more to full erection, larger ones grow less. And most men notice that when their penises are flaccid, they can be any of several sizes--sometimes smaller, other times larger, and at times, very well hung.
One reason why most heterosexual men feel their penises are (quote) too small (unquote) is that other than their own, the only ones they've seen really up close are those in x-media. The men in porn are selected for their enormous endowments. They REALLY ARE bigger than the vast majority of men. As a result, the average man is justified in believing he has one of the smallest penises he's ever seen.
But that doesn't mean you're sexually inadequate--far from it. Perhaps you've heard the old saying: It's not the meat, it's the motion. Or it's not the pen, it's the penmanship. The size of your penis is just one aspect of your talents as a lover. And even if you have a large penis--it's still just a small aspect of how good you are in bed.
Flaccid or erect, penis size depends on the amount of blood in the penis' spongy central tissues. The more blood, the better hung you look when soft, and the larger and firmer your erection when hard. So the real question is: How can you keep as much blood as possible in your penis? Several ways:
- Stay relaxed. When you feel relaxed, blood tends to pool in your central body, including the penis, and you look well hung. But when you're stressed or anxious about anything--including penis size--you may trigger what scientists call the "fight-or-flight" reflex. This reflex sends blood away from the central body (and your penis) and out to the limbs for self-defense or escape. In other words, the fight-or-flight reflex leaves less blood available to the penis. So stay relaxed, and you'll look better hung when flaccid, and your erections will be all they can be.
- Eat a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet. No doubt you're familiar with exhortations to eat a low-fat diet to prevent heart disease. Maybe more men would heed this advice if the American Heart Association added that a low-fat diet also helps penis size. A diet high in fat, particularly animal (saturated) fat, raises cholesterol, which narrows the arteries, including the ones that carry blood into the penis. High cholesterol increases risk of erection impairment, according to a study by Ming Wei, M.D. of the University of South Carolina Medical School. Tests of 3,250 healthy (nondiabetic) men aged 25 to 83 showed that compared with those whose total cholesterol was below 240 mg/dl, those above 240 had twice the risk of erection impairment from poor blood flow. (A high fat diet also increases risk of prostate cancer.)
- Smoking. As if you need another reason to quit, smoking accelerates arterial narrowing, which is why smokers are at high risk for heart disease. Cigarettes hit men below the belt as well by limiting blood flow into the penis and compromising size.
- Stay warm. Warm temperatures are relaxing, so they help keep blood in the central body--and in the penis. That's why many men notice that they look better hung after a shower than before one. Warmth is particularly important to the size of the scrotum. The scrotum hangs outside the body to keep the testicles cool. The best temperature for sperm production is a few degrees below normal body temperature. When you feel cold--like in a drafty high school locker room--the scrotum hugs your body to keep the testicles warm, and it looks small. But when you feel warm, it hangs lower to keep the testicles cool, and you look better hung. One way to look your best--and to set the mood for great sex--is to take a hot bath or shower with your lover. In addition to the size-enhancing warmth and relaxation, bathing together is great fun, and it reveals your lover in all her naked splendor, which certainly doesn't hurt your size.
- Nurture your relationship. Being involved in a loving, supportive relationship helps a man feel good about himself. This, in turn, enhances his ability to relax both in and out of bed. That relaxation keeps blood in the central body and penis, adding to his size.
- In addition to increasing blood flow into the penis, here are two other size-enhancing suggestions:
- Lose weight. When you have a big gut (beer belly), excess fat tissue surrounds the base of the penis, and makes it look smaller.
- Exercise. Working out helps control weight, reducing any fat pad above the base of the penis.
- But exercising the penis doesn't help. The sex media sometimes refer to the penis as the "love muscle," which implies that like the biceps, certain exercises may buff it up. The penis contains smooth muscle tissue, but that's not the kind that gets bigger with exercise.
- Try a haircut. Your pubic hair, that is. When less of the penis is obscured by hair, it looks a little larger.
- One advantage of a large penis is the ability to penetrate more deeply into the vagina. Some couples really enjoy this. The woman feels completely filled up, and may feel a more intimate connection with the man. Meanwhile, the man feels larger. Some sexual positions facilitate deep penetration. They can help average men feel larger than they really are. You can learn all about this from a video Videosextoy.com sells, "The Complete Guide to Sexual Positions."
- On the other hand, the small proportion of men with larger-than-average penises have to be careful about deep penetration. A large penis can bang into the cervix and hurt the woman. This may come as a shock to men, but some women are afraid of big penises, afraid of getting hurt by them during deep intercourse. For these couples, deep penetration is maybe something to avoid. But before you can either avoid it or embrace it, you have to know which positions facilitate it, hence the value of "The Complete Guide to Sexual Positions."
- About penis-enlargers: No mechanical device can permanently enlarge a penis. But for men or couples who enjoy playing with penis size, penis extenders can be fun. An extender is a condom-like sleeve topped by a two-inch dildo-like artificial penis. Just slip on the sleeve, and voila, you and your lover can fantasize that you're larger. Just be careful about banging into the cervix. Take it slow, and let the woman control the speed and depth of insertion by using the woman-on-top position.
Penis pumps can temporarily stretch a penis and make it look larger. You insert your penis into the pump cylinder, then use the hand bulb to evacuate most of the air from it, which creates a partial vacuum around the penis. These conditions stretch the penis somewhat and help coax extra blood into it, making it temporarily fuller and larger. The effect subsides after you remove the pump, but if you're relaxed, you may be able to retain your extra size for a little while, for example, long enough to enjoy intercourse. Penis pumps were originally developed to help impotent men produce erections firm enough to allow intercourse. Their use as sex toys came later. Many research teams have studied the effectiveness of penis pumps for men with impotence caused by such conditions as diabetes and paraplegia. They work reasonably well.
To the best of our knowledge, penis pumps are safe when used as directed. We are unaware of any reports of injury from them. Of course, misuse might cause problems, so follow the directions, and use your pump carefully. If Videosextoy.com had any doubts about the safety of these devices, we wouldn't sell them. As it is, Videosextoy.com offers several penis pumps, among them: the Maxi-Pump, Le Pump, The Fireman's Pump, and Robo-Blo.
Then there are cock rings. These rubber or leather rings can make erections a little firmer, and some men believe, a little larger as well. Here's how they work: Erection occurs when the arteries that feed blood into the penis expand, allowing more blood to fill the organ's spongy central tissues. As the spongy tissues fill, the veins that carry blood out of the penis become somewhat compressed, restricting outflow. The net effect is a blood build-up in the organ, which causes the increase in size and firmness. The arteries that feed the penis run through the center of the organ, so a cock ring doesn't keep blood out. The veins that carry blood out of the penis run closer to the organ's outer skin, so a ring restricts outflow a bit more. If you feel that a cock ring helps you look your best, fine. There's no harm in using one--as long as you don't make it too tight. Videosextoy.com sells several.
As for surgery, we don't recommend it. It costs several thousand dollars. Most health insurers don't cover it, so you pay the cost entirely out-of-pocket. And according to the urologists who advise Videosextoy.com, the result may not live up to the hype. Some operations cut the connective tissue that suspends the penis. You hang longer, but when erect, your penis doesn't stand up. It falls down between your legs. Other procedures inject body fat under the penile skin to increase the organ's girth. But some men wind up with lumpy, deformed-looking penises. On the other hand, if you're really interested in penis-enlarging surgery, ask your doctor for a referral to a urologist. If the urologist doesn't perform these operations (many don't), ask for a referral to one who does.
Finally, we'd like to say a few words about women and penis size. Some women prefer big penises, just as some men prefer large breasts. On the other hand, some women prefer smaller penises because they are less likely to trigger gagging during deep-throat oral sex, less likely to bang into the cervix during vaginal intercourse, and less likely to feel uncomfortable during anal intercourse. In our experience, however, women are considerably less fixated on penis size than men are on women's physical attributes. For the vast majority of women, penis size has remarkably little to do with their enjoyment of sex. Quite a few women--up to half, depending on the survey--rarely if ever reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse no matter how large the penis. They need direct clitoral stimulation by hand, tongue, some other body part, or sex toy. Most women would rather have a lover who is kind, considerate, thoughtful, intelligent, and caring, even if his penis is on the small side, rather than a lover who's a boor hung like a horse.
If you're bothered by self-doubt related to your size and you're involved in a relationship, we suggest you raise the subject with your lover. Sharing such an intimate issue can add to the closeness you feel. Chances are that your honey will say she likes your penis just fine as it is. And that should help you relax about this issue--which increases blood flow into the organ, allowing your penis to be all it can be.
Why does my husband watch porn?:
Q: My husband is constantly viewing pornography. He has videos, and all of his Internet bookmarks are porn sites. He tries hard to hide this from me. I don't understand why he likes to look at porn. We have a good marriage and a sex life he assures me is satisfying for him. If that's true, why does he feel the need to view this sort of stuff? Porn makes me feel unattractive, betrayed, angry, and self-conscious. Am I missing something? How can I get him to stop, or should I leave him alone?
A: We do not perceive one lover's enjoyment of pornography to be a sexual betrayal of the other, nor would we jump to the conclusion that a husband's porn fascination implies dissatisfaction with his wife's attractiveness or their sex together.
Most men who view porn by themselves use it to spice up their fantasies during masturbation. Some people believe that masturbation should not be necessary for people who are married, that each spouse should meet all of the other's sexual needs. In our opinion, this view is naive and sexually limiting. Masturbation is our original sexuality. We see no reason why it should end with marriage vows. Spouses cannot meet each other's needs to experience the joy of the masturbation they've practiced all their lives. Masturbation is, by definition, a solo enterprise.
We also believe in freedom of fantasy. During sex, most people in relationships fantasize having sex with people other than their spouse. Some feel guilty about it, but we think it's fine to fantasize about anything that makes and keeps sex fun, interesting, and fulfilling. If fantasies involve one's spouse, fine. If not, that's fine, too. In fantasy all is permitted, and nothing is wrong. The important thing to keeping a relationship sexually together is to maintain a clear perspective on the difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasies of other partners don't threaten the marriage, but real-life affairs usually do.
In our opinion, pornography fits into marriage as fuel for sexual fantasies. You may not like it, but clearly many men do. To get some idea how the man in your life feels, consider this: Have you ever found movie stars attractive and sexy on the big screen? Have you ever fantasized sex or a relationship with a star? We're willing to bet that you have. Has that feeling threatened or cheapened your marriage, betrayed your husband, or implied any dissatisfaction with him? Probably not. We think it's a mistake to infer that your husband's enjoyment of or need for porn implies any dissatisfaction with you, or the quality of the sex in your marriage. It's simply fuel for his fantasies during masturbation.
As for why men hide their porn from their wives--we can't say. But we'd guess that many men do it because they know how their wives feel about it and don't want to upset them.
If you'd like to clear the air, we suggest that you discuss your husband's use of porn with him. You might share this answer with him and see if we guessed correctly about how and why he uses porn.
You could ask your husband to stop watching porn. But in our experience, criticisms of porn viewing and exhortations to stop don't stand much chance of working. All you're likely to do is drive him underground, make him hide his porn time more cleverly so he can keep his little secret further from you. Is this what you want?
Wouldn't it be better for you and your husband to find some type of sex media you could both enjoy together with no hiding, no recriminations? We've found that people who have problems with x-video are often more open to--and aroused by--written or audio erotica. Erotica contains some explicit sex, but it emphasizes character development and story. Erotic tapes also leave the eyes free to gaze upon your lover, and hands free to give and receive sensual pleasure. Videosextoy.com sells several collections of erotica: naughty novels, audio tapes, and instructional sex videos.
We hope you find a way to use sex media to bring you together rather than driving you apart.
If this really bothers you, you might consider consulting a sex therapist. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
Is there a proper or better way to give Fellatio?:
Fellatio is a lot like kissing: The basics are pretty simple, but there are countless creative variations that keep it interesting, passionate, and fun.
A: Fellatio is a lot like kissing: The basics are pretty simple, but there are countless creative variations that keep it interesting, passionate, and fun.
The basics: Take his erection into your mouth, using your lips and tongue to caress the head and shaft. Move your head up and down so that your lips caress as much of the length as you can comfortably handle. If you need further assistance with the basics, watch almost any hetero x-video.
Speaking of x-video, if you're concerned that you're not as good at fellatio as porn actresses, it's important to remember that porn sex is not real lovemaking. It's exaggeration. If you want to build confidence in the sucking department, we suggest the video, "The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking," available from Videosextoy.com. It's chock-full of great technique suggestions that will make you the envy of porn actresses.
Beyond the basics, use your imagination. Alternate sucking with licking the head and shaft. Flick your tongue rapidly around the head. Lick or nibble the scrotum. Stroke the shaft with one or both hands while sucking or licking the head. Cup and fondle the scrotum while sucking. Alternate sucking with gently squeezing the head or shaft between your thumb and forefinger. Gently slap his penis against your lips or outstretched tongue. Speak up: If you think his penis is beautiful, by all means, say so. Everyone likes compliments. If you enjoy giving head, mention that as well. Most men get turned on knowing that a lover enjoys giving them pleasure.
About using teeth during fellatio: The erect penis is a tough little organ, so nibbling or scraping teeth along it shouldn't be a problem. Just keep it gentle, and ask: "Is this okay?" Adjust your moves according to his reactions.
The same goes for licking a man's anus (rimming). As long as it's washed, there's no problem. When in doubt, ask if what you're doing is okay. Showering together beforehand takes care of the hygiene issue. Speaking of anal, many men enjoy gentle anal massage or getting anally fingered while being sucked. If you opt for the latter, we would urge plenty of lubricant.
As for little-known fellatio tricks: Playboy once solicited oral sex tricks, and this one was among the winners. It comes from Jay Wiseman's book, Tricks: More Than 125 Ways to Make Good Sex Better. It's called the Creme de Menthe Blowjob: The woman holds a sip of the minty liqueur in her mouth, touches the man's penis to her lips, and then parts them slightly, allowing the liqueur to spread over the head and down the shaft. Then she opens her mouth wide, takes the penis inside her mouth, and exhales forcefully. Her warm breath on the creme de menthe gives the man an exciting sensation of heat. Then she opens her mouth again and inhales forcefully. As ambient air contacts the liqueur on the way into her mouth, the man experiences an exciting cooling sensation. You might want to try this, or something like it.
Gagging is a big problem for many women. Stick anything too far down the throat and the body automatically gags. It's a defensive mechanism that helps prevent choking. In addition, some women have what's known as a "short palate." They gag very easily, which can make them afraid to take a penis into their mouths at all. There are several ways to work around gagging:
- (1) You're more likely to gag when he pushes his penis down your throat than when he's still and you control the speed and depth of deep throating. He should stay still and let you have the control.
- (2) It's possible to take some conscious control of your gag reflex so that you don't gag so quickly. In addition, try desensitizing your gag reflex in a nonsexual situation, for example, with a toothbrush. Dentists recommend brushing the back of the tongue because it helps prevent bad breath. Practice brushing the back of your tongue. Breathe deeply and think: I'm not going to gag. Insert your toothbrush gently and play with it, discovering the point at which your gag reflex kicks in. Over a few weeks, you should notice that you don't gag quite as easily.
- (3) If you gag easily, we suggest mock-deep-throating: Rub your hands together vigorously to warm them. Apply some lubricant to one hand. Take as much of his penis into your mouth as you can comfortably accommodate, and use your warm, lubricated hand on the rest of his shaft. This comes very close to the sensation of being deep-throated.
Some women don't like the taste of semen. For the record: It's about 97% water. Sperm and a little sperm-nourishing sugar and minerals (calcium, sodium, potassium, zinc, etc.) account for most of the rest. So there's nothing "nasty" in semen. Still, some women don't like the taste. Although semen contains sugar, it does not taste sweet. Most semen swallowers describe it as salty and/or metallic. The salty taste comes from the sodium in semen, the metallic taste, from the zinc.
The taste of semen has not been the subject of much sex research. Some urologists say that the composition of semen is constant, so all men must taste the same. These physicians must be heterosexual men. The women and gay men we know say that different men have different-tasting semen. Some of this has to do with individual differences. But beverages and foods also seem to play a role.
By all accounts, thinner, watery semen tastes better than thick, gooey come. The former is more dilute. It contains more fluid. Men concerned that their semen tastes too strong should begin by drinking lots of water and fruit juices to keep things dilute. Some people insist that vegetarians have better-tasting semen than meat-eaters. We've heard it said that vegetarians have less foul-smelling body odor than carnivores, so the same might be true for their semen. Experiment with eating less meat. Or try eating more fruit: juicy fruits and fruit juices have some word-of-mouth support as seminal flavor enhancers. A search of the Internet under "taste of semen" produced a wealth of suggestions, chief among them, to avoid tobacco and asparagus. In addition to causing bad breath, smoking apparently fouls semen. As for asparagus, the vegetable that gives urine that odd aroma also does a number on semen. Other foods with reputations for fouling the taste of semen include: broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, greasy foods, dairy products, and coffee.
If all else fails, a woman can suck on a lifesaver, especially mint or wintergreen, while she's sucking on something else. With a mint lifesaver in her mouth, the strong mint flavor overwhelms the more subtle taste of semen and makes it more palatable.
Some women don't like to swallow semen. Again, this is a matter of individual taste. Some men make a big deal of this, saying: If you won't swallow my semen, I feel that you don't accept me or truly love me. We would discourage reading such sentiments into an aversion to swallowing semen. You've just come in your lover's mouth. To our way of thinking, that's ample demonstration of love and acceptance. On the other hand, it is satisfying when the woman swallows. We suggest having a strong-flavored drink in a glass with a straw within arm's reach, for example, grape juice, chocolate milk, ice tea, red wine, or some liqueur. It's not difficult for most women to suck on a straw while holding a teaspoon or two of semen in their mouths. The beverage can help the semen go down easier.
If a woman simply cannot swallow, we would urge respecting that. Actresses in porn often don't swallow. Instead, they play with the semen, allowing it to dribble out of their mouth, massaging it into their cheeks, breasts, bellies, or vulvas. Making a show of it can feel as sexy as swallowing.
Finally, fellatio can be great fun for both the giver and the recipient, but some men who have no difficulty reaching orgasm during masturbation or vaginal intercourse have problems climaxing in a woman's mouth. The reason is usually that oral caresses, while sublime, may not provide quite enough stimulation to trigger orgasm. But a combination of oral plus stroking the shaft by hand is usually sufficient. Some men really enjoy the combination of light, feathery lip and tongue action with tight-grip shaft stroking. For even more intensity, the woman can wear a leather glove on her hand.
For even more suggestions, we suggest the video, "The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking," available from Videosextoy.com. It's chock-full of great suggestions.
I've never had an orgasm with anyone or even by myself. Why can't I come?:
Q: I've never had an orgasm with anyone or even by myself. Why can't I come? This is really frustrating and puts a strain on my relationship. We use sex toys but nothing seems to work for me. Can you help? I can masturbate to orgasm, but I can't come with a partner. Can a vibrator help me have an orgasm? I'm 23 and have never had one before. Can I? I can come by masturbation or when my husband eats me, but I can't come during intercourse. Does this mean there's something wrong with my marriage?
A: Many women have trouble releasing the orgasms waiting to emerge from inside them. This is a very common problem, especially among younger women, notably those under 30, but this problem can afflict older women as well. Fortunately, for most women, inability to have orgasms is fairly easy to resolve. In fact, one of the major early success stories for modern sex therapy was the development of treatment programs for "pre-orgasmic" women.
It's not entirely clear why some women have difficulty reaching orgasm, but socialization clearly plays a role. Despite growing sexual equality and a trend toward greater acknowledgment of women's sexuality, many girls are still taught that sex is messy, dirty, and unpleasant, that "there's only one thing on men's minds," and that their virginity is something to cherish and guard from men bent on ravaging it. In addition, some religions teach that virginity at marriage is a virtue, and that sex outside marriage is sinful promiscuity.
As a result, many young women grow up feeling decidedly ambivalent about sex. They have a libido and a natural curiosity about this fundamental--and at best, quite pleasurable--part of life. But they also have a tape playing in their minds that says: Sex is bad, something best avoided and resisted. This type of ambivalence can engender a great deal of emotional stress, and stress can suppress the ability to reach orgasm.
Many women grow up with a similar ambivalence about masturbation. On the one hand, playing with one's own genitals is powerfully pleasurable. On the other, many women are told that it's wrong, or a sin, or that good girls don't do that.
This also creates emotional stress, especially when you consider that masturbation is a key component of learning how to have orgasms. Most people--men and women--have their first orgasms solo during masturbation. And the foundation of modern sex therapy's approach to teach pre-orgasmic women how to climax involves focused masturbation.
We shouldn't be surprised that orgasm is a problem for women who come from sex-negative backgrounds where masturbation was frowned upon or forbidden. Sex is often fraught with stress for them, and they may not have had much experience masturbating. Of course, this is a stereotyped portrait. It's quite possible that a woman from a more sex- and masturbation-positive background might have difficulty reaching orgasm. It's a problem for many, many women. Fortunately, as women grow older and gain more experience with sex, they generally become more comfortable with it, more confident about their own sexuality, and as a result, more orgasmic. Not always, but usually.
- For women who are pre-orgasmic, we offer the following suggestions:
- How much alcohol do you drink? Alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant that is probably the world's leading cause of drug-related sex problems, including inability to have orgasms. If you drink only a little, we suggest you stop. If you drink heavily, we suggest medical treatment.
- Are you taking any prescription medication? Many drugs, notably, antidepressants, can cause sex problems, including inability to have orgasms. If you are taking a drug that can cause sex problems, your doctor might be able to switch you to a medication with fewer sexual side effects. (Among antidepressants, Wellbutrin has the fewest.)
- Learning to have orgasms takes a while, typically several months of regular practice. Be patient. Give yourself the time. Try to let go of the notion that "I can't," that "I've tried and it's hopeless." You can. Your body CAN experience the pleasure and release of orgasm. You just have to be patient and allow it to emerge from deep within you.
- The process begins with learning about yourself by yourself. Have you ever seen your genitals? Examine them using a mirror. Pay special attention to your clitoris, the small nub above the vaginal opening underneath the place where the outer vaginal lips come together. The clitoris is most women's most sexually arousable spot.
- Then practice masturbating, stroking, caressing, and massaging your entire vulva (the external genitals) including your clitoris. It's much easier to learn to have orgasms by yourself than with a partner. In solo sex, you only need to pay attention to yourself and what you're feeling. A partner complicates matters considerably because you feel pressure to please that person, and need to guide the person toward what you find most pleasurable. That's why the programs for pre-orgasmic women begin with masturbation.
- Most people find masturbation most pleasurable with lubrication. You may lubricate enough naturally. But many women do not. We suggest using a commercial sexual lubricant. Videosextoy.com sells several, plus a Lubricant Sampler Kit that allows you to try several before you commit to buying a large quantity of one.
- You can masturbate with your hand if you like. Or you can try it with one or more sex toys. Some women enjoy using a vibrator. Vibrators typically provide more intense stimulation than a hand can. Other women enjoy using a dildo, a surrogate penis that can serve as fuel for fantasy. Many dildos are larger than fingers or erections, so they stretch the vaginal lips a little more. Some women enjoy this. Then there are vibrators housed in realistic-looking-penis dildos. Videosextoy.com sells dozens. Select the one(s) that appeal(s) to you.
- After you can have orgasms consistently on your own, then feel free to experiment with partner sex. Ideally, your partner should know that you've been working on transitioning from being pre-orgasmic to orgasmic. Your partner should support your efforts and be willing to help--patiently. Ideally, you should show or tell your partner what types of caresses bring you to orgasm. Then relax and gently guide the person as he (or she) pleasures you.
- Many women who enjoy orgasm consistently when they masturbate, or when a lover fondles their genitals or provides oral caresses have difficulty reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse. The reason is that vaginal intercourse provides only indirect clitoral stimulation. Many women need direct stimulation. If you can't reach orgasm during intercourse, there is nothing wrong with you or your relationship. Some women just can't come during intercourse. Try the woman-on-top position. In this position a woman can masturbate or use a vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse. Or the man can make a fist, place it on his lower abdomen, and the women can press her clitoris against it for direct stimulation. Or try rear entry (doggie) intercourse. Again, the women can use a hand or vibrator, or the man can reach around and provide direct clitoral stimulation using his hand.
- Of course, not every woman feels comfortable or capable enough to learn to have orgasms all by herself. If you hesitate to do this solo, by all means consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record helping women become orgasmic. You can work with a therapist solo, or with your partner, or first alone, then as a couple. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
Remember, women's bodies are wired to allow them to enjoy orgasm. If you want to have orgasms, you CAN
What is the G-spot? Where is it? How can I find it?:
Q: What is the G-spot? Where is it? How can I find it? Touch it? Is it true that rubbing the G-spot gives women extra-intense orgasms? I would love to give my wife a G-spot orgasm. But our explorations just don't seem to yield any results. What is the best sex toy for stimulating her G-spot? I've heard the G-spot is connected to female ejaculation. Is this true?
A: If you're confused about the G-spot, you're not alone. We'll answer all these questions--and more--to the best of our ability. But it's important to understand that many issues about the G-spot remain controversial. The reason, sadly, is that sex research continues to be seriously underfunded. For political reasons, the federal government, one important source of biomedical funding, won't...uh, touch, G-spot research. And the drug industry, the other major source of biomedical funding, has not been interested because the G-spot seems unlikely to lead to the development of new medications. So we're left with research that was carried out years ago, and with the personal reports of many women since then. We have a great deal of information about the G-spot, but many questions remain.
Back in the early 1940's, a German gynecologist, Ernst Graffenberg, along with an American colleague, Robert Dickinson, discovered a "zone of erogenous feeling...located along the suburethral surface of the anterior vaginal wall." "Suburethral" means below the urethra, the urinary opening. "The anterior vaginal wall" means the front wall of the vagina. In a 1950 article in the International Journal of Sexology, Graffenberg asserted that this erogenous zone contained erectile tissue rather like the penis, and that it swelled when massaged and during orgasm.
Graffenberg did not name this area. At the time it was called, the "urethral sponge," and defined as the area on the front wall of the vagina about a finger length in from the vaginal opening surrounding the urethral (urinary) opening. Many sexologists continue to call this area the urethral sponge today.
Graffenberg's research lay virtually forgotten until the 1980's when sexologists John Perry and Beverly Whipple rediscovered the fact that, in their view, virtually all women have an area of sexual sensitivity on the front wall of their vaginas. In their studies, 90 to 100 percent of up to 400 women identified a sensitive area in the front vaginal wall. Perry and Whipple unearthed Graffenberg's old research, and decided to name the area after him, the Graffenberg spot, or G-spot.
In 1982, Perry and Whipple publicized their findings in a best-selling book, The "G" Spot And Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality, which triggered a stampede of interest in the suddenly-trendy spot. Millions of women and couples tried to find it, and enjoy it, but not everyone succeeded.
This led to G-spot backlash. In the 1988 edition of their classic book, Human Sexuality, pioneering sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson (along with a new coauthor, R.C. Kolodny) asserted that Perry and Whipple had overstated the case, that only about 10 percent of women had sexually sensitive G-spots.
Perry and Whipple retorted that those unable to find the fabled spot were possibly misinformed. The G-spot, they insisted, is not really a "spot," like a button or one's navel, but rather an area a little larger than a quarter. And it does not lie ON the front wall of the vagina, but rather IN it. The front vaginal wall has to be pressed fairly firmly to stimulate it when women are only modestly aroused. The G-spot is most easily detectable when women are highly sexually aroused, because that's when G-spot erection (swelling) makes it easier to find.
Still, many women still could not find theirs, and neither could their lovers. At this point, it's not clear what percentage of women have sexually sensitive G-spots. Some do. Others don't. Our advice is to accept who you are (and men should accept who the women in their lives are). The fact is, everybody's different. Some women adore having their nipples suckled. Others like it, but don't love it. And some find it uncomfortable. The same goes for the G-spot. Some women report mind-blowing orgasms with G-spot stimulation. Others call it a modest enhancement of sex. And some feel nothing, or find G-spot stimulation uncomfortable. Explore G-spot stimulation if you like, but try to avoid any preconceptions that finding it is guaranteed to produce spectacular orgasms. It may not. Accept what you feel, whatever that is. If a woman does not have an erotically sensitive G-spot, it's no big deal. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy great sex.
The G-spot is easiest to locate--and most sensitive to touch--when a woman is already highly aroused. Women who want to find theirs should explore themselves during masturbation. It's not that easy for a woman to feel her own G-spot. It's often awkward for a woman to press the front wall of her own vagina. Some can reach in with a hooked thumb, but many women can't reach in far enough with the thumb. Women generally say it's easiest to reach the G-spot if they are (1) on their backs with their knees pressed against their breasts, or (2) squatting down in a "baseball catcher" position, or (3) using a sex toy designed for G-spot exploration.
Videosextoy.com offers several toys specifically designed for G-spot stimulation: Mars dildo, Little Lady vibrator, Jelly Climax Knob, G-spot Plus vibrator (latex or jelly), and the Nubby G vibrator. They are all bent so that they can press easily and comfortably against the front vaginal wall.
Remember, the G-spot is not a "spot," but an area. Feel around. A woman's most sensitive area may be off to one side or the other.
Some women can only enjoy G-spot stimulation when a partner does it. With the woman on her back, legs spread, insert your index or middle finger, then hook it upward and stroke what in this position is the top of her vagina. You may feel the area swell a bit or get a little firm. Experiment with pressure on the front wall. Some women like light pressure. Others can only appreciate G-spot stimulation if the area gets pressed more deeply. Good communication is critical here. The woman receiving G-spot stimulation should guide the person providing it.
The best position for G-spot stimulation during intercourse is doggie-style rear entry, with the woman on hands and knees and the man behind her. In this position, the head of the penis can press against the G-spot. This makes some evolutionary sense. Other than humans, all other mammals have intercourse only in this position. It would make sense for it to have evolved to be pleasurable for the female, and the G-spot is in the right place for this.
When they find their G-spot, some women feel a momentary urge to urinate. This usually passes. If not, try urinating beforehand. Meanwhile, many women with sensitive G-spots also release fluid on orgasm, a phenomenon known as "female ejaculation." This fluid is similar to urine, but available evidence suggests that it is not urine. Why do some women ejaculate while others do not? No one knows. But the process seems to be related to G-spot sensitivity. Women with sexually sensitive G- spots are apparently the ones most likely to ejaculate. This makes physiological sense because the nerves that excite the clitoris also run along the sides of the vagina and cover the area around the G-spot, which includes the paraurethral glands.
For more on female ejaculation, see the FAQ that discusses it.
Why do I lose bladder control when I have an orgasm?:
Q: Why do I lose bladder control when I have an orgasm? When I have an intense orgasm, I "spray" some liquid. At first I thought it was urine, but it doesn't smell like it. Do women ever have anything comparable to a male ejaculation or is the fluid urine? Peeing when I come is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I need to know why this happens to me. When I use a vibrator on my clitoris, I have really intense orgasms, and sometimes lose control of my bladder. Is this harmful? Is this a "golden shower"? I enjoy the feeling, but I'm concerned.
A: Fluid released during orgasm is not a golden shower. Golden showers involve one lover urinating for or on the other for erotic enjoyment.
The fluid some women notice on orgasm apparently comes from the paraurethral glands. "Para" means beside. The paraurethral glands are tiny fluid-producing structures located around the female urinary opening. The first two were discovered by Alexander Skene in the 1880's and were called Skene's glands. Since then, several others have also been identified. The arrangement of these glands, and the fact that they produce fluid reminded the researchers of the male prostate gland, and some began calling the area the "female prostate."
In 1982, John Perry and Beverly Whipple publicized female ejaculation in their best-selling book, The "G" Spot And Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality. They said that when a woman is highly sexually aroused, with an aroused G-spot, the paraurethral glands secrete fluid that emerges as "female ejaculation" on orgasm. (For more on the G-spot see the FAQ that discusses it.)
This observation seemed to explain a good deal of sexual history. Writers dating back to the first-century Roman physician, Galen, had remarked that women produce a "thin" fluid that "manifestly flows when they experience the greatest pleasure in coitus." The Kama Sutra and centuries-old Japanese erotic works also mention fluid issuing from women during sexual arousal.
But both Alfred Kinsey, the first modern American sex researcher, and Masters and Johnson rejected the notion of female ejaculation, saying that some women simply produced a great deal of vaginal lubrication. In their view, the paraurethral glands didn't do anything special.
However, vaginal lubrication does not squirt out during orgasm. Many women notice that they release fluid this way. They may feel concerned about or embarrassed by the fact that they "pee" during orgasm. And some lovers of women who ejaculate find it disconcerting. Some women have examined this fluid and determined by color and odor that it is not urine. The most recent research confirms this.
Female ejaculatory fluid does not appear to be urine. The research here is not definitive, but several studies agree that the fluid is chemically distinct from urine. It appears to be a combination of dilute urine and secretions from the paraurethral glands. Some researchers say it's most similar to the prostatic fluid that forms the bulk of semen in men.
How many women ejaculate? Depending on the survey cited, somewhere between 10 and 50 percent. But the amount released varies considerably from a few drops to much more.
Why do some women ejaculate while others do not? No one knows. But the process seems to be related to G-spot sensitivity. Women with sexually sensitive G-spots appear to be the ones most likely to ejaculate. This makes physiological sense because the nerves that excite the clitoris also run along the sides of the vagina and cover the area around the G-spot, which includes the paraurethral glands.
It is perfectly safe for women to ejaculate. You may have to change the sheets, but no harm has every been associated with female ejaculation. In fact, one study suggests that women who ejaculate appear to enjoy some protection from bladder infections, presumably because ejaculation helps expel bacteria from the urethra.
If a woman or her lover would like her to ejaculate, we suggest you begin by gently stimulating her G-spot as you massage her clitoris. You can do this with one hand (middle finger inside her, thumb on the clitoris), or with a finger and tongue, or with a finger and sex toy, or with two sex toys (VIdoesextoy.com sells several dildos and vibrators specifically curved to stimulate the G-spot).
But it's also perfectly normal not to ejaculate. Many women do not. If you don't but would like to, we suggest extended foreplay with lots of G-spot massage. But even that's no guarantee of ejaculation. Whatever happens, try to accept yourself and your own sexuality (or your lover's sexuality). Even without female ejaculation, women can enjoy a fabulous sex life.
Some women who ejaculate--and their lovers--enjoy the juiciness of it, the realization that the woman feels comfortable, relaxed, and loving enough to utterly let go. Others, however, feel embarrassed or put off by the fluid, usually because they believe it's urine. We repeat: Available evidence indicates that the fluid is not urine. The woman is not peeing. Female ejaculation is simply another normal little wrinkle in women's sexuality. If it's part of your relationship, try to enjoy it. If not, try not to stew over it.
As for any messiness, we suggest making love on a towel.
Information on the G-Spot is scant. We would like to acknowledge the best source: The G-Spot, by Cathy Winks, Down There Press, San Francisco, 1998.
Anytime my boyfriend and I have sex, I'm so tight that he has a hard time getting his penis in. What can we do to open my vagina?:
Q: I'm 25, sexually active for eight years. But my vagina is still very tight. Anytime my boyfriend and I have sex, I'm so tight that he has a hard time getting his penis in. What can we do to open my vagina? I never thought I had a big penis, but my girlfriend is so tight that I have trouble getting it inside her. I don't want to hurt her. What gives?
A: It's very unlikely that a woman's vagina would be "too tight" to accommodate even an unusually large penis. The vagina is a remarkably elastic organ. It has to be to allow a full-term baby to pass through on the way to being born. Usually, when men or women complain about a vagina being "too tight," there are two problems--insufficient lubrication and a need for more foreplay before attempting insertion.
In men, the first physiological sign of sexual arousal is erection. In women, it's vaginal lubrication. Men, especially young men, often develop erections very early in the process of lovemaking, and feel ready for intercourse before the women they're with are equally aroused, that is, well lubricated. Trying to push a penis into an unlubricated or poorly lubricated vagina produces the feeling that the vagina is "too tight."
We strongly discourage trying to enter a vagina that is unlubricated or poorly lubricated. This is uncomfortable--even painful--for the woman. And it's not much fun for the man, either.
We have several suggestions:
- Extend foreplay. This is crucial. Don't rush into intercourse. Enjoy kissing, cuddling, breast play (hers and his), nipple sucking (hers and his), and leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-like strokes from the top of the head to the toes. Leave the genitals for later. The entire body is a marvelous sensual playground. Unfortunately, many men explore just a few corners of it (breasts, buttocks, and vulva/vagina). What a waste of a woman's sensual potential and pleasure. The fact is, many women find it difficult to become lubricated enough, relaxed enough, and aroused enough to enjoy intercourse comfortably without extended whole-body loveplay. Men should try not to see extended loveplay as a postponement of "the main event." Extended loveplay allows intercourse to proceed smoothly and pleasurably. It gives the vaginal lips enough time to part and open, welcoming the penis. Extended loveplay also helps men last longer and maintain their erections. Every credible sex guide recommends leisurely, playful, whole-body massage-oriented lovemaking, and we couldn't agree more
- Try a commercial lubricant. Some women naturally produce enough vaginal lubrication to allow mutually comfortable intercourse. Other do not. And some who usually do may not if they feel stressed or fatigued, or if they've been traveling, or if they're even a little dehydrated, or are at certain times during the menstrual cycle.
- Commercial lubricants are an easy, enjoyable way to make intercourse more comfortable--and more sensually fulfilling. Lubricating both the vagina and the penis can ease insertion a great deal. Videosextoy.com sells several lubricants, and features a Lubricant Sampler Kit of five you can try along with a helpful booklet on how best to incorporate lubes into your love life.
- Once you've extended foreplay and made sure that both the vagina and penis are well lubricated, then try the woman-on-top position, and allow the woman to control the speed and depth of insertion. She should straddle the man's pelvis, and then sit down on the penis, taking it inside her as she lowers herself. With the woman in control of intercourse, she can engulf the penis at a pace that feels most comfortable for her. A slow, measured pace can also feel great for the man.
Then there's vaginismus. In this medical condition, the vaginal opening snaps shut, making insertion of the penis impossible. Sex therapists still debate the cause(s) of vaginismus. But the condition can usually be successfully treated with a combination of individual and couple sex counseling, relaxation exercises for the woman, and vaginal insertion of special rod-like dildos of gradually increasing diameter to coax the vaginal opening into remaining open and accepting insertion. Vaginismus should be treated by a sex therapist. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
I want to have sex, but I'm afraid it will hurt. Does it?:
Q: I'm a 23-year-old virgin woman. I want to have sex, but I'm afraid it will hurt. Does it? Is there any way to prevent the pain? My girlfriend and I have decided to have sex, but she's a virgin. I've been with two other women, both sexually experienced. How can I make my girlfriend's first time a good experience?
A: What's vaginal intercourse like the first time? Reactions run the gamut from awful to fantastic. It all depends on the lovers and how they make love. The myth is that first experiences with intercourse hurt women. The reason has less to do with loss of virginity, per se, than with the way it often happens--with the woman ambivalent, the man pushy, and the sex rushed, with inadequate foreplay beforehand, and inadequate lubrication during.
The myth of the hymen also plays a role in some women's fears about losing their virginity. The myth is that this membrane covers the vaginal opening and that when a woman loses her virginity, the penis pierces it, which is painful and causes bleeding. In several cultures where this myth holds sway and women are expected to be virgins on their wedding night, bridegrooms are expected to produce a bloody sheet afterward to "prove" that the woman was a virgin.
Forget this. The hymen does NOT cover the vaginal opening. If it did, virgins could not menstruate, and most American women have periods for years before they lose their virginity. Some women have extra little flaps of tissue around the vaginal opening (hymenal tags), but when a woman loses her virginity, nothing gets pierced or "torn asunder."
What about those bloody sheets in traditional cultures? In order to avoid embarrassment, women have sharpened their fingernails or taken small knives to bed with them and cut themselves to produce the vaunted bloody sheets.
If you want to enjoy your first experiences of vaginal intercourse, we suggest you have it with a lover you like, love, and trust, someone who is open to discussing your first experience, and planning it to make it enjoyable.
Neither of you should rush anything. Take your time. Before getting into bed, talk about how you would like things to proceed. Make sure you agree on contraception, and if you're using condoms, have some easily available.
Bathe or shower together beforehand. It's relaxing, and it helps lovers get comfortable with each others' bodies, and being naked in front of one another.
Then take your time in bed. Don't rush into intercourse. Make an afternoon or evening of it. Have some music. Light some candles. Kiss, embrace, and massage each other for a good long while--like an hour--before attempting insertion. Massage each other's whole bodies, not just the breasts and genitals. Be playful. Try oral sex if you're so inclined.
Usually, the man has a firm erection and feels highly aroused before the woman feels equally aroused. Men should wait until the woman is highly aroused before attempting intercourse.
How can a man know when the woman is aroused? Ask. Instead of pushing into her, have her invite you in when she feels ready and receptive.
If a woman is reluctant to do this and want the man to be in charge, it's important for men to understand the physiology of women's sexual arousal. The first sign is vaginal lubrication. Her vagina should become moist and her vaginal lips should part somewhat, allowing for the penis to enter her comfortably. But a wet woman is not necessarily ready to enjoy intercourse comfortably. Wait a while longer. Allow her to become very wet and highly aroused.
Many women find that their natural vaginal lubrication is insufficient for comfortable intercourse, especially their first time, because anxiety tends to diminish lubrication, and the first time, people often feel quite anxious. So we suggest that the woman use a commercial lubricant on her vulva, and the man use some on his penis. VIdeosextoy.com sells several different lubricants.
For intercourse to proceed most comfortably for the woman, she should control the speed and depth of insertion. The best way to do this is in the woman-on-top position. The man lies on his back and remains still. The woman kneels over him, straddling his hips. She reaches behind her, takes hold of his penis, and guides it into her vagina as she slowly lowers herself down on it. The man shouldn't move until the woman signals him that it's okay.
If you use the man-on-top (missionary) position, the man should insert very slowly--repeat: very slowly. If the woman feels any discomfort, she should say so. ("Stop here for a second." "Not so fast, please.") That way he can slow down, or withdraw so the woman can apply more lubricant.
In sex as in the rest of life, people generally react better to positive feedback than negative. Whenever the man does something the woman likes, she should say so: "Yes." "Mmmm." "That feels so good."
Finally, in good sex both lovers breathe deeply. Deep breathing is relaxing, which helps sex proceed comfortably and enjoyably. Deep breathing also produces those little love moans that turn on one's lover. Unfortunately, many first-time or inexperienced lovers stifle natural deep breathing. That contributes to muscle tension that can make intercourse less comfortable for the woman, and in men, it contributes to rapid, uncontrolled ejaculation. Let yourselves go. Breathe. Enjoy.
When my boyfriend licks my clit, it's too intense and gets uncomfortable. Is this normal?:
Q: I love it when my husband licks my labia and slips his tongue inside me. But when he licks my clit, it's too intense and gets uncomfortable. Is this normal? When I eat my girfriend's pussy, I like to slip my tongue down farther and lick her tight little asshole. Is this safe? Have you ever heard of a "nose job" during oral sex? I don't like the taste of my girlfriend's pussy. Is there anything we can do about that? We love using lubricant, but I don't like how it tastes. Neither of us wants to restrict oral sex to the time before the lube goes on. What can we do? I like to give my wife a few extra licks after she comes, but orgasm makes her clit so sensitive that she pushes me away. What's with that?
A: Licking a woman's genitals is a lot like kissing: The basics are pretty simple, but there are countless creative variations that keep it interesting, passionate, and fun.
First a little anatomy: Women's external genitals include the fleshy outer vaginal lips, the thinner inner lips and the clitoris. Collectively, they are known as the vulva. The clitoris is women's most sexually excitable organ. Many, if not most, women need direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. The clitoris sits above the vaginal opening just under the spot where the outer vaginal lips meet.
Basic cunnilingus involves licking the outer lips from their base to the clitoris. As the woman becomes more aroused, the outer lips part somewhat, exposing the inner lips and the vaginal opening, both of which can also be licked.
Many women enjoy oral sex most when the tongue directly caresses the clitoris. On the other hand, some women find that direct clitoral licking is too intense for them or even uncomfortable. They prefer it when the tongue only lightly caresses the clitoris or circles it, which stimulates it but less directly. Some women love having their outer and inner vaginal lips licked. Other enjoy having a tongue slipped into the vagina. In other words, there are no blanket recommendations we can offer for giving great cunnilingus. There are many, many options and each woman has her own individual preferences.
As you lick, check in with the woman. Ask: "Is this okay?" Check in often until you're confident that you know her preferences. Then check in periodically after that. Preferences change, or she may just be in the mood for something a little different.
Beyond the basics, use your imagination. But here are a few suggestions: Alternate using the tip of your tongue, the flat of your tongue, and your lips as you move around the vulva. All three feel a little different and provide subtly different sensations. Combine licking with finger and palm massage. After circling her vulva with your tongue, do the same with a finger or two, using light, moderate, or deep pressure. Massage her inner thighs. Use your fingers to gently part her vaginal lips a little more than they naturally open.
As long as the woman's anus is clean, there's no problem licking it as part of oral sex. Bathing or showering together beforehand takes care of the hygiene issue. Speaking of anal, many women enjoy gentle anal massage or getting anally fingered while being licked. If you insert a finger, we would urge plenty of lubricant. And check in with her before you get carried away.
A "nose job" is a slight variation on cunnilingus. The man's lips and tongue pleasure the woman's vaginal lips and vagina, while the tip of his nose stimulates her clitoris. Be careful you don't grind into the clitoris too forcefully. The cartilage of the nose is harder than the soft tissue of the tongue. Check in about the pressure you use.
The taste of the vagina depends on several factors: personal hygiene, the menstrual cycle, vaginal flora, and general vaginal health. The healthy vagina is a self-cleansing organ. Normal washing with soap and water should keep the vulva and vaginal opening clean. Women should NOT douche. Douching is hygienically unnecessary, and has been linked to an increased risk of potentially serious medical problems, notably, ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and pelvic inflammatory disease (infection of the reproductive organs). Douching pushes bacteria through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes, which is not what Nature intended. Sometimes the hormonal changes and flow of the menstrual cycle change the taste of the vagina. Check in with your lover about her cycle. Sometimes vaginal infections change the vulva's taste. A check-up might be a good idea. As for vaginal flora, certain friendly bacteria normally inhabit the vagina. If there aren't enough of them, the vulva's taste may change--and the woman may be more susceptible to vaginal infections. One way to keep friendly bacterial numbers up is for the woman to eat live culture yogurt--about a cup a day.
If you don't like the taste of sexual lubricant, you have a few options: Indulge in cunnilingus before applying lube. Keep a damp washcloth on hand and gently wipe off any lube before licking. Try different lubricants. Some taste better than others. Videosextoy.com offers the Lubricant Sampler Kit, with small amounts of 5 different lubes. If all else fails, suck on a mint or wintergreen lifesaver while licking. The strong minty flavor may overwhelm the lube so you don't taste it.
After orgasm, many women experience unusual clitoral sensitivity and don't like to be touched or licked there. This is normal. If you like "last licks," check in with your lover about where she might like to be licked. If not her clitoris, perhaps her vaginal lips or vaginal opening. But maybe not, in which case we suggest coming up from between her legs and holding her, kissing her, and gently sucking on her nipples--assuming she's not super-sensitive there.
For even more suggestions, we suggest the video, The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking, available from Videosextoy.com. It's chock-full of great suggestions.
I want to try Anal Sex but my partner doesn't. How can I change his/her mind?:
Q: I'm interested in trying it. Any suggestions? I tried it and it hurt. Can it be done without pain? I want to try it but my partner doesn't. How can I change his/her mind? What can you do to keep it from being "messy?" If you do it a lot, can you injure the anus? Is rimming hygienic? I hear that anal intercourse produces the most intense orgasms. Is this true? My husband wants me to finger him and use a strap-on dildo on him. Does this mean he's gay?
A: First, we would like to credit Jack Morin, Ph.D., for much of this answer. Morin is the author of Anal Pleasure and Health, and probably the world's leading expert on anal sex. (Videosextoy.com sells Morin's book.)
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of anal sex, there are a few things to know about anal anatomy and physiology. One crucial fact is that the human body has two anal sphincters, not just one. We have both external and internal sphincters. The external sphincter is pretty easy to relax by conscious choice, but the internal sphincter is less so. Different parts of the nervous system control each sphincter, so relaxing the external opening doesn't necessarily relax the internal one. Many people store up stress in their internal anal sphincter muscles, just as some people store up stress in their backs or necks. As a result some people have a harder time than others learning to relax their internal sphincter, and enjoy comfortable anal play. But if you want to, over time, you probably can.
Another important anatomical consideration is that the rectum is not a straight tube. It has a couple of curves in it, and the specifics of the curves vary from person to person.
Then, it's important to understand that there is usually not much stool in the rectum.
Finally, unlike the vagina, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. To enjoy anal sex, you have to use plenty of lubricant--the more the better.
Now, turning to anal sex play itself, it's VERY important to understand that penis-in-the-anus intercourse is the LEAST frequently practiced form of anal sex. It's much more common to enjoy massage of the anal opening either solo or by a partner, anal fingering, fingering while also receiving oral sex, or oral-anal contact (rimming).
Second, it takes time and practice to learn to relax your anal sphincters. So, be patient. Don't dive into anal intercourse too quickly. If you want to be the recipient, the best way to begin to explore anal sex is to finger yourself in the bath or shower, or in bed.
Be sure to use plenty of lubricants. Try different lubes to see which one you like best. There are water-based lubricants, oil-based, and petroleum-based. Most sexual lubricants are water-based. They're slippery and carry a low risk of causing vaginal problems. But they may not feel best for anal play. Oil-based lubes are vegetable oils. They may be used either vaginally or anally. Petroleum-based lubes, for example, Anal Lube and Vaseline, may cause vaginal irritation, so we don't recommend them for vaginal intercourse. But for anal sex, many people find that petroleum-based lubes are most comfortable.
Anal self-fingering helps you learn about your individual sphincters and the unique curves of your rectum. Practice relaxing your sphincters. Breathe deeply. Try different positions to see which ones are most comfortable for you.
Then, move on to experimenting with a well-lubricated dildo, butt plug, or any other toy designed for the anus. Anal sex toys can help learn about the unique curves of your rectum. Videosextoy.com sells quite a few. We especially recommend two: the Expanding Love Plug and the Anal Explorer. The Expanding Love Plug is an ingenious take-off on a butt plug. It features a built-in vibrator, and a squeeze-bulb hand pump. Squeeze the bulb, and it expands inside you. Hit the switch, and it vibrates. The Anal Explorer is a kit containing a standard, seven-inch, battery-powered vibrator, and five stimulating anal attachments.
Start with smaller thinner anal toys, then move on to larger ones if you like. The idea here is for the recipient, who can be a man or woman or both, to become as comfortable as possible with solo anal play before adding the complications of another person to the scene.
When you begin to explore anal sex in a couple situation, it should NEVER hurt. If it does, the receiving anus and object of insertion are not sufficiently well lubricated, the recipient is not sufficiently relaxed, and/or the inserter is being insensitive and pushy.
Couples should get into anal sex play slowly. First, get relaxed. Perhaps take a hot bath or shower together, or engage in some whole-body massage. Then try extended anal massage, and then very gentle, shallow fingering. Wait a while to try penis-anal intercourse. When you do, the recipient should ALWAYS be the one in control, the one who moves onto the penis. The penis should remain still--no pushing into the anus, and no thrusting in the anal canal until the recipient says it's okay. This allows the recipient to control the insertion, which is a big aid to relaxation. Usually, the most comfortable positions are side-by-side or recipient-on-top.
How deep can you go? Comfortable depth varies from person to person because of the rectum's curves and the recipient's level of relaxation. After a while, recipients who are open to a penis in their anus can accommodate the entire penis, unless the penis is unusually large. But don't rush things. Deep insertion may take months, and some recipients never get comfortable with it. But most people can learn to enjoy gentler forms of anal stimulation, notably one or two fingers in the anus, or a plug.
Speaking of butt plugs, many recipients feel more receptive to a penis if they wear a butt plug for a while beforehand, on the order of 15 to 30 minutes. Butt plugs open the external and internal anal sphincters and help many recipients accommodate an erection.
Different people have different experiences of orgasm with anal sex. Some recipients enjoy having a finger or plug inserted as their lover brings them to orgasm by hand or mouth or sex toy. But many recipients prefer NOT to have orgasm during anal play, and NOT to have the inserter have one if his penis is inside them. The reason is that orgasm causes involuntary muscle contractions and thrusting movements that may fee uncomfortable for the recipient. This is something to talk about and experiment with.
As for the cleanliness of anal sex, it's part of an even larger issue, what Dr. Morin calls "the anal taboo." Our culture views the anus as dirty and disgusting. Plenty of people intellectually would like to explore anal pleasure, but have a hard time doing so because viscerally, their emotions won't let them. It takes time to temper the anal taboo. And you have to take the time. Otherwise, anal sex is no fun, or even worse, it becomes coercive.
Once you're open to anal play, it's a good idea to wash, bathe, or shower beforehand to clean the anal area with a soapy finger. Some people enjoy anal douching with a disposable enema, such as a Fleet. Use the prepared solution, or dump it out and use warm water. Insert the flexible tip, squeeze the plastic bottle and then let the water run out into the toilet. Vaginal douches also work well for anal use. Anal douching not only cleans the area, but also helps the recipient relax and feel less apprehensive and embarrassed about anal play. If the receiving anus and anal canal have been washed well beforehand, then anal play--including rimming--is as clean as any other form of lovemaking. However, as a precaution, be careful not to introduce anything that has been in contact with the anal area (fingers, penis, sex toys) into the vagina. Anal bacteria may cause urinary tract infection.
Frequently one lover is eager to explore anal sex, but the other is reluctant. Here's our advice to the eager lover: Never force it. And don't nag. In a calm, loving manner, explore your partner's reluctance. What's the person really afraid of or concerned about? Listen very carefully, and try to address your lover's concerns. Ask if there is ANY way your partner would feel comfortable exploring anal sex. Maybe intercourse feels like too much, but perhaps the person would be willing to experience external sphincter massage, or fingering, or rimming. Remember: comparatively few couples who enjoy anal play have penis-in-anus intercourse. Fingering and rimming are much more popular. Start with what's mutually comfortable. Don't do anything that isn't mutually pleasurable. Respect your partner's limits.
Here's our advice to the partner who's reluctant to engage in anal play: Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. Your lover should respect your limits. But don't dismiss anal play out of hand. There's nothing wrong or unnatural or dirty about it. Think about why you're reluctant, and honestly tell your partner. Do your feelings have to do with the anal taboo? Memories of previous anal interludes that caused you pain? What are you really feeling? By discussing your issues, at the very least, the two of you will learn more about one another, and that can enhance intimacy even if you don't engage in anal play. Then ask yourself if there is ANY type of anal play you might enjoy. The best way to experiment with things you might like is to try them solo on yourself, things like anal sphincter massage and fingering.
Finally, many people feel concerned about the "meaning" of anal sex. For example: Does a man's desire to enter a woman anally mean that he wants to hurt, dominate, or humiliate her? Or does a man's interest in receiving anal pleasure mean that he's gay? These questions are reasonable because all sex practices, including anal sex, exist in cultural contexts. Anal sex is widely practiced by gay men, so it's not surprising that some people would link it to homosexuality. And in prisons, anal rape is an act of degradation and control, so this is also an understandable negative image. But enjoyment of anal pleasure is not necessarily associated with homosexuality. After all, gay men kiss and suck on penises; those activities are not "gay." No matter what your sexual orientation, anal stimulation can feel erotic and desirable. In addition, anal sex usually has nothing to do with degradation and rape, as is the case with vaginal intercourse. Both men and women can enjoy anal sex play. From customer feedback, it's clear that many heterosexual men enjoy being on the receiving end of anal intercourse, with women using strap-on dildos doing the inserting. It's just something different, another way to play with pleasure and gender roles. And for some, gender-bending is an unexpected turn-on.
Anal sex requires more communication than oral or vaginal sex. For some, that makes it a hassle. But for others, the extra communication and trust necessary for enjoyable anal sex deepens intimacy and helps couples feel especially close.
I want sex more often (or less often) than my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband. Our desire differences are driving me crazy... how can that be?:
Q: I want sex more often (or less often) than my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband. We argue about it. Our desire differences are driving me crazy. We used to make love several times a week. Now I'm lucky if we have sex once or twice a month. I used to enjoy sex, but it sort of faded away. I'm not sure why. He/she says he/she has no libido anymore. How can that be? Where did it go? I don't want to break up or have an affair, but sometimes I think about it.
A: "Desire differences" mean that one partner wants sex more often than the other. "Loss of libido" is similar because it's a comparative measure--one person doesn't have the sexual interest of his or her partner.
These problems are among the most frequent reasons couples seek sex therapy. The issues are often complicated, and no one--not Videosextoy, not even the best sex therapist--can guarantee a solution perfectly satisfying to both of you. But we can offer several observations and suggestions that may provide some perspective on this common dilemma.
Desire differences are inevitable. When couples first get together, they often can't keep their hands (and other things) off one another. They make love very often. But the duration of such sexual intensity doesn't usually last that long--a month of two for some, a few months for others, rarely longer than a year or so. Then, sex usually becomes less frequent. This doesn't mean you're less in love, just less in lust. Sometimes, both people's erotic appetites subside together, but more often, one person's declines more than the other's, and the result is a desire difference.
There is no "right" amount of sex, no "normal" sexual frequency. What feels normal and natural to you may feel like too much or too little to your partner.
Socialization plays a role in desire differences. Usually but not always, it's the man who wants more sex, and the woman who is content with less. Men are raised with cultural permission to want sex and to seek it out, and to use sex as a means of relaxation and stress management. Women, on the other hand, are taught that "good girls" should never be "forward" about sex, that they should play "hard to get," otherwise the world will punish them for being "sluts." As a result, many women consciously or subconsciously suppress their sexual desires. In addition, many women have other preferred approaches to stress management, for example, talking with friends or taking hot baths.
Some desire differences or libido losses are temporary, caused by such things as illness, pregnancy, nursing, medication (anti-depressants are notorious for impairing libido), or stressful life events--moving, job loss, the death of a loved one, etc. Some are drug-related. Overindulgence in alcohol can dampen libido. So can many other drugs. Consult your physician. But here we're talking about persistent desire differences or one partner's loss of libido, where there is no discernible cause.
We suggest you start working on the desire differences or loss of libido in your relationship with a complete medical evaluation. It's possible that some illness is causing or contributing to the situation. Many conditions reduce libido, among them: depression and anything that cause chronic pain.
You should also have your testosterone levels checked. Both sexes produce testosterone. This hormone is responsible for sex drive in both men and women. If it's abnormally low, libido suffers. Men rarely suffer abnormally low testosterone levels, and if a man's hormone level is in the normal range, additional testosterone does NOT increase his libido. (In fact, it can stimulate the growth of prostate cancer.) But some men are low on testosterone. Men should have 300 to 9000 nanograms of the hormone per deciliter of blood.
Women should have total testosterone in the range of 10 to 90 nanograms per deciliter of blood, and free testosterone in the range of 0.6 to 2.5 picograms of hormone per milliliter of blood. For libido loss in women, especially in postmenopausal women, supplemental testosterone may help restore it. Around menopause, as estrogen production declines, testosterone sometimes does, too. If they have less than the levels mentioned above their sex drive often suffers. Testosterone is not inevitably helpful, but it might provide some benefit. If you're interested in this approach, consult an endocrinologist, ideally one recommended by a sex therapist. But testosterone should not be viewed as a quick fix for desire differences or a flagging libido.
Usually, there is no medical reason for desire differences. They simply reflect differences between the two people. Desire differences are maddening. They can drive couples crazy. Perhaps you recall the scene from "Annie Hall" where Woody Allen complains to his therapist: "She never wants sex. She won't let me touch her. She's making my life miserable. My God, we're only doing it three times a week." Cut to Diane Keaton with her therapist: "He wants sex constantly. He's all over me. He's making my life miserable. My God, we're doing it three times a week." In theaters, these twin scenes always get a big laugh because so many people see at least some aspect of themselves in them. But typically, when desire differences become a chronic sore point, both partners lose their sense of humor, and a grim chill descends over the relationship. The one who wants more sex feels unloved, while the one who wants less feels besieged.
Ironically, in many couple with desire differences, sexual desire, per se, is not the issue, or not the only issue. The unspoken issue is often power, or perceived lack of it. Both people feel powerless and victimized, infuriated that the other is asserting such dominance over them, by utterly controlling sex, a key element of the relationship. When you're the person who wants more sex, you feel that you spend your life begging, pleading, groveling before an omnipotent partner who has the power to shoot you down with the awful word, "no." When you're the person who wants less sex, you feel that you live your life fending off an omnipotent partner whose incessant demands can be summed up in one word, "now." Sex therapists often ask couples in the throes of serious desire differences: "Which one of you is in charge of your sex life?" Inevitably, each partner points to the other. Then each one is shocked to learn that their partner believes they have the power when they themselves feel they have no power at all.
Here's where loss of libido often comes in. The partner who want sex less never has the opportunity to feel his or her own sexual desire because the other's demands provide no emotional space to do so. That's why many people who want less sex say they have "no sex drive," and their partners may berate them for it. In fact, few people who want it less have no sex drive. They just want it less, which is their perfect right.
Meanwhile, those who want more sex are often perceived by their less motivated partners as being "obsessed with sex," wanting it "constantly," and "having only one thing on their minds." In fact, few people who want more sex have only one thing on their minds. They just want more sex, which is their perfect right. They feel so frustrated and sex-starved that they carp about sex when they often want other things as well: time with their partner, or some demonstration of the partner's love, commitment, and affection.
To work out desire differences, it's important for both partners to acknowledge that they each make the other feel powerless. That changes the social equation from: "You're torturing me, you sadistic creep," to "We're doing this to each other, and how can we reach a workable compromise?"
Chances are you both will have to compromise. There are no easy answers to desire differences, no quick solutions that we or any therapist can offer.
Our sex drives are healthy and we enjoy making love. However, both of us admit our love making is boring.. any suggestions?:
Q: My wife and I have healthy sex drives and enjoy making love. But our sex is boring and it's gotten us down. My husband complains that he's bored sexually. Any suggestions? My girlfriend says I make love "in the same old way" all the time. I try to do different things for her, but she says she's bored. Help.
A: What do you do when you're bored in some nonsexual area of life? Most people try something new, fun, different and exciting. The same approach usually works for boring sex.
First, try making love in a different way, in a different room of the house, or at a different time of day, or with different music or lighting (candles are fun), or at a romantic hotel. Use your imagination.
We can recommend four products that should help, two videos and two games. The two videos are "Sexual Ecstasy for Couples" and "Intimacy and Sexual Ecstasy." "Sexual Ecstasy for Couples" is an hour-long x-rated tape in which six women discuss what turns them on and how men can make sex more exciting for them. Among their suggestions: sex toys, and sharing fantasies then acting them out. Then couples act out the suggestions. "Intimacy and Sexual Ecstasy" is also an hour-long x-rated tape that uses a clever magic-show format to discuss how couples can bring more magic into their lovemaking. Also with explicit demonstrations. It's hard to watch these videos and not come away with some great new ideas for provocative sex.
The two games are "Sex-Sational" and "Wildly Sexy Dares." "Sex-Sational" is a board game that's great fun. Players draw cards that give deliciously ambiguous directions, for example, "Kiss your partner someplace soft and warm." It invites sensual exploration and creativity. "Wildly Sexy Dares" awards points for doing romantic sexy things in and out of bed, for example, kissing your honey passionately in the middle of an intersection. In our experience, both of these games are virtually guaranteed to spice up a boring love live.
Videosextoy.com sells all of these products. In addition, why not browse the Web site or print catalog together. You may well find items that turn you both on and re-introduce some zing into your sex life.
Can you help us set up groundrules in regards to "Threesomes?:
Q: My husband and I are considering a threesome. We're both experienced, both did it before we got together. But we're having trouble setting groundrules for this hoped-for threesome. In my case, which involved a woman as the third person, my partner and I talked about it beforehand and decided that he would not kiss her open-mouth, and would use a condom during oral and vaginal intercourse. My husband and I agree on using condoms in our threesome, but we aren't sure of what other ground rules to set. Can you help us?
A: According to surveys by the Kinsey Institute, about 3 to 5 percent of people say they've tried threesomes (or moresomes). The practice is by no means rare, but it is a minority experience.
If one member of a couple is adamantly opposed to participating in a threesome, that is the person's perfect right. We do not condone sexual coercion. If you don't want to, you shouldn't have to. We also advise against name-calling. The fact is, this practice appeals to some folks, but not to others. There's no right and wrong here, no prudes and weirdos--just people with different ideas about sexual turn-ons.
If you're the one who doesn't want a threesome, we suggest making an effort to compromise with your lover. Instead of another person, how about offering to introduce some sex toys into your bedroom activities. Or x-videos. These enhancements might suffice. If not, then you'll have to work things out the way you work out other relationship disagreements. If necessary, you might consult a sex therapist. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
If both of you agree to pursue a threesome, you need to find a third person. You have three basic options: someone you know, Personals advertisements, or a swinger organization.
A friend or acquaintance is the simplest option, but many people would rather not explore this side of sexuality with someone they know. A perfect stranger might feel sexier--and safer. A friend who seems open to threesomes might react negatively when you raise the subject, and you might wind up risking your friendship. Think about it before you ask a friend.
The Personals approach is pretty low-risk. Check your local newspaper. These days, it's a rare newspaper that doesn't carry Personals from men and women looking for romance. Many papers also carry "special-interest" Personals, especially the alternative weeklies. The typical heading is Couples. There you find ads from couples looking for men or women for threesomes, or couples in search of (abbreviated ISO) other couples for partner-swapping or foursomes. If you're interested in a college-age woman, you might also try college newspaper Personals.
As for swing groups, many sex shops carry swinger magazines, where singles and couples advertise for sexual adventure. Some swing magazines are national. Others are regional. Regional publications often carry ads for parties where couples can meet other couples and single woman (single men are usually not allowed). You might attend a party. Most swing groups also have Web sites, many that accept Personal ads for playmates.
If you advertise or answer ads, we suggest you use a Post Office box. You can correspond and exchange photos discreetly using a P.O. box. After some correspondence, if you find someone you'd like to meet, then you can share your address and phone number.
About groundrules for threesomes: They are a necessity. Even when both people in a couple want to have a threesome, it's emotionally and logistically complicated to introduce a "third wheel" into what has been a "bicycle." We suggest you proceed carefully. Marriage is a precarious institution. Open marriage is even more so.
We suggest that you each give some thought to the groundrules you'd like, and then individually write up two lists: "Groundrules I Insist On," and "Groundrules I Would Like But Don't Insist On." Jot down your lists in private without consulting each other, and give yourselves a few days to complete your lists so you have time to really explore in your own mind what you want. Then compare your lists.
For your threesome to proceed happily, you should reach clear agreement on the groundrules you insist on. If you can't, then we suggest postponing your threesome until you do. If after a few months of discussion you still can't come to an agreement about the groundrules you insist on, then we would suggest foregoing threesomes because of the possibility that the one whose groundrules were violated might experience feelings that damage the trust in your relationship.
As for the groundrules you'd like but don't insist on, you can be more playfully experimental, trying one person's, then the other's.
Bringing a husband and a lover together may have unintended consequences that may not be fun for any of you. A lover wants undivided attention. With two lovers in the same bed, your attention automatically gets divided. If either of your lovers has body issues--insecurities about his size, weight, physique, etc.--he might feel intimidated by the other. If you seem to prefer one over the other, that might cause ill will.
But if you'd like to proceed, we'd suggest that you begin by discussing with each of your men specifically why they're nervous about this threesome. Probe their feelings. Encourage them to be specific. Then take their concerns seriously, and do your best to make them feel comfortable.
Then take some photos or a shoot of video of yourself with each man and show it to the other. Seeing you with the other man might help each of your men feel more comfortable about meeting and having a threesome.
Then arrange for them to talk on the phone and/or meet without you there. This might establish the beginnings of a rapport between them, outside the context of their relationships with you.
Finally, when the three of you have sex together, understand that it probably won't be the three of you every moment. There can certainly be periods when one is in your mouth and the other in your vagina. But sometimes you're likely to be preoccupied with one or the other, leaving the other man somewhat or entirely out of the sexual loop. Provide something for the "odd man out" to do during these periods, for example, photographing or videotaping you with the other man.
My wife thinks it's sick for me to masturbate. How can I make her understand that it's normal?:
Q:My wife thinks it's sick for me to masturbate. How can I make her understand that it's normal? My girlfriend isn't as interested in sex as she used to be. She blames it on masturbation, which she does frequently. She says her clitoris is worn out. Is this possible? My girlfriend just got a vibrator. She's masturbating a lot with it. Now I'm afraid it may replace me. What can I do? Can masturbation use up my sexuality?
A: It's perfectly normal to masturbate. We repeat: It's totally, completely, utterly normal to masturbate.
There's an old joke: 97 percent of all men and women masturbate--and the other 3 percent are lying.
Masturbation is our original sexuality. It's one of the first ways children learn to experience physical pleasure. Left to themselves, children are enthusiastic masturbators. Why not? It's such fun. They stop (or go underground and do it only in secret) largely because sex-negative adults in their lives prohibit it.
Later in life, when people get into sexual relationships, some think it's wrong to continue masturbating, that it's no longer necessary. That's like saying there's no reason to go to the movies once you get a VCR. The fact is that while both masturbation and partner sex are sexual, the two experiences are quite different--just as the big screen and the TV screen are different. As wonderful as partner sex in a loving relationship can be, it also involves responsibilities. You have to be sensitive to your lover, provide him or her with pleasure as well as receiving it yourself, and possibly make sexual compromises for the sake of your lover's happiness. But in masturbation, there's no one else to take into account, no one making any demands on you. You simply please yourself. And that can feel wonderful--even if you're in a fabulous relationship.
Is masturbation harmful to physical health? No. According to the Kinsey Institute, it causes no illnesses and does not "wear out" the genitals, change their sexual sensitivity, or limit future ability to respond sexually. It does not change the genitals permanently in any way, neither enlarging nor shrinking the penis, nor altering the size, shape, or color of the clitoris or vulva.
Both men's and women's genitals look fragile, but they are surprisingly tough and resilient little organs. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. The biological mission of life is to reproduce life. Evolution has endowed our reproductive organs, including the external genitals, with considerable hardiness to keep reproduction chugging along. It takes more than masturbation -- even frequent vigorous masturbation using unusual techniques -- to damage them.
The only time a man might be well advised not to masturbate for medical reasons is if he is subfertile and trying to conceive a child. In such cases, men are advised to forego ejaculation for a few days before attempts at impregnation to build up the number of sperm in their semen.
The only time a woman might be well advised not to masturbate for medical reasons is if she is pregnant and has reason to be concerned about miscarriage or prematurity. It's possible that orgasm might trigger labor. But for women with medically uncomplicated pregnancies, it's fine to masturbate, just as it's fine to enjoy partner sex.
Is masturbation harmful to mental health? No -- unless you've been indoctrinated that it's a sin, in which case you might experience anxiety. I hasten to mention that an excellent treatment for anxiety is -- guess what. No doubt you already know first-hand, as it were, that masturbation is calming. Many people say they do it as much for release of daily stress and tension as for specifically sexual gratification.
On the other hand, if you were raised in a faith that condemns masturbation, the physical gratification of solo sex might not be worth the anxiety generated by doing something you've been brought up to believe is sinful. Consider your own beliefs, then make up your mind.
Can one masturbate "too much"? There is no frequency that's inherently "too much." Plenty of folks masturbate daily, some even more frequently while living happy, productive lives. The issue is not frequency, but rather context. Ask yourself why you're masturbating. If you do it for personal communion, enjoyment, and stress management, there's nothing wrong with it. But if you find that masturbation interferes with things you need to accomplish--notably work, school, or maintaining relationship or family commitments--then it might become too much of a good thing.
One reason many women enjoy vibrators is that they are time-savers. The intensity of the stimulation gets them off faster than using their hands, which allows them to masturbate frequently, but not spend all day doing it. Men have a similar time-saving sex-toy option, vibrating plastic vaginas known as penis sleeves.
Some people believe that for those in sexual relationships, masturbation is a form of "unfaithfulness." We disagree. Masturbation is our original sexuality. We've all done it for years--maybe decades--before we even met our lovers. Partner sex doesn't replace masturbation. It complements it. Why give up chocholate cake once you've discovered apple pie? One pleasure doesn't replace the other.
Many psychologists say you can't love another until you learn how to love yourself. We'd expand that to say: You can't have good sex with another until you learn to have good sex with yourself. In fact, in sex therapy for such common problems as premature ejaculation in men and inability to have orgasms in women, masturbation is a fundamental part of the treatment program.
Can masturbation interfere with partner sex? Possibly--if the sexual fulfillment a frequent masturbator derives from solo sex means less energy for and interest in partner sex. While we support lifelong, enthusiastic masturbation, we also believe that lovers who are committed to each other need to work out a sexual frequency they can both live with comfortably. It's reasonable to curtail masturbation somewhat in the interest of maintaining a happy relationship. But in our opinion, it is unreasonable for one member of a couple to try to prohibit the other from masturbating altogether. People have every right to masturbate, and there's nothing wrong with it at any age or in the context of having a relationship.
It's also possible that a loss of sexual energy blamed on frequent masturbation is actually due to something else. Most couples who fall in love spend six months to two years enjoying frequent, torrid sex. But over time, one person or both stop feeling such an urgent need for sex, even when they continue to love their partner and value the relationship--and continue to masturbate. A loss of sexual energy can also be caused by school or job pressures, financial problems, family issues, children, or other stressors.
If you believe that a lover's masturbation is interfering with your partner sex, we suggest discussing the issue, and if necessary getting some help from a sex therapist. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
How can I shave my pubic hair without irriitation?:
Q: My wife shaved her pubic hair and suffered so much irritation that she wouldn't let me touch her for weeks. Is there a pain-free way to shave pubic hair? What about waxing? Depilatories? Electrolysis? I loved having a shaved pussy, but is there a way to prevent razor bumps? My husband and I shave our public hair, but we can never seem to get as smooth as the people in porn. What's their secret?
A: Because the folks in adult entertainment have the most experience--and success--with pubic hair removal, Videosextoy.com asked four present and former porn actresses how they get their vulvas "porn-smooth."
The four actresses were: longtime x-rated star Nina Hartley; Kelly Nichols, who quit acting in the mid-1980s, but who continues to work on porn productions as a make-up artist; Adajja, who has been making adult videos for about a year; and Gina Rome, who recently retired after six years of porn acting to become a film editor.
All four shave with razors. They insist that they have never tweezed, waxed, sugared, or used depilatories, or electrolysis.
To get a close, porn-smooth pubic shave, the stars recommend:
- Wet the hair before shaving. "Warm, wet hair is easier to shave," Rome explains. "I always showered before shaving." Hartley soaks in a hot bath.
- Use a fresh razor. Hartley uses hers no more than three times before switching to a new one. Adajja uses hers only twice: "I go through a lot of razors, so I use cheap Bic twin-blades." The best razor, Nichols says, is the fairly new three-blade Mach-3. "With three blades," she explains, "there's a noticeable difference in smoothness over a twin-blade razor."
- To just look smooth, shave in the direction the hair grows. "The problem," Adajja explains, "is that pubic hair rarely grows in just one direction. I have clumps that grow one way and clumps that grow another. So I shave spot-by-spot to get a close shave."
- To look and FEEL smooth, shave in all directions. "If you just shave in the one direction," Nichols explains, "you can look smooth, but when you run your fingers over the area, or when a lover touches you or uses his tongue, it feels rough. To feel smooth, go with the grain and against it, too."
- Take your time. Spot-by-spot shaving can be time-consuming. Taking time also helps prevent unsightly shaving cuts.
- Shave frequently. Most women in porn shave daily.
- Wear loose underwear and clothing. A shaved vulva chafes more easily than one covered with a soft cushion of pubic hair. Don't wear clothing that binds.
- Experiment. See what works best for you. Rome used shaving cream and a moisturizing lotion afterward. Adajja uses soap and no moisturizer.
These suggestions are echoed on the several Web sites devoted to the joys--and hassles--of baldness below the belt, among them, www.joanelloyd.com/fbshave/htm. On all of them, razor shaving rules. Few people mention other options.
In addition to careful daily shaving, the porn stars share one other attribute that contributes to their smoothness--pubic hair on the fine and sparse side. "I'm just not very hairy down there," Rome explains, "and what I have isn't very coarse. I think that's true of many of the women in adult entertainment. My kind of hair is easier to shave."
But fine, sparse pubic hair and careful daily shaving don't exempt porn actresses from the hassles other people experience with razor shaving. "I've seen many women on porn sets with razor bumps and ingrown hairs," Rome says. "You just don't see it in the video. A woman can touch herself and examine herself very closely, and feel any irritation, and see the bumps. A lover can do the same. But even during close-ups, the camera hardly ever gets that close, so the girls on video may look smoother than they really are."
Razor bumps are the most common complaint among public shavers. They're ugly and they itch. The bumps develop because razor shaving leaves hair with a thick blunt end, instead of the fine tapered end of unshaved hair. As pubic hair regrows, those blunt ends irritate hair follicle walls, causing inflammation and bumps. To prevent razor bumps, the porn stars use a product called TendSkin (www.tendskin-distributor.com).
Razor burn is another problem. To prevent it, use a moisturizing skin lotion on the area. Many people on the shaving Web sites, suggest an aloe vera lotion.
After razor shaving, waxing--and sugaring, which is similar--are the second most popular approaches to going smooth in the nether region. Recently, waxing has become something of a celebrity fad with such stars as Gwyneth Paltrow and Kirstie Alley opting for "Brazilian" wax jobs--most of their pubic hair removed, with just a little tuft remaining as a surprise under a thong bikini. But few people who tout total pubic smoothness on the shaving Web sites recommend waxing or sugaring.
"Waxing is good for the occasional beach vacation," Nichols says. "One waxing and your pubic hair is gone for the week you're away. But the problem with waxing is that you have to start with fairly long pubic hair or there's not enough for the wax to grab on to. For best results, you have to let your hair grow out between waxings, and people committed to staying really smooth don't want to do that."
Waxing can be performed at home with kits available at pharmacies. Or it can be done by state-licensed aestheticians. Waxing involves applying a thin layer of warm wax to the target area, and then applying cloth strips. The wax dries, then you or the aesthetician yanks the cloth off--and the hair with it, which often hurts. Waxed hair grows back after a few weeks. One San Francisco salon charges $50 for complete pubic waxing.
Sugaring is similar, except it uses a sugar solution instead of wax.
Electrolysis kills one hair at a time. It can take months, even years to depilitate large areas, such as pubic hair. A state-licensed electrologist inserts a fine needle into the hair follicle, zaps it with electricity, which kills the follicle, and then tweezes the hair out.
But electrolysis is not popular for pubic hair removal. Few people who post messages on bare-genitals Web sites use it.
Electrolysis is permanent--but only when it works. Sometimes the first zap doesn't kill the follicle and hair regrows, necessitating repeat treatment. Electrolysis can also be painful, and it's expensive--on the order of $50 per half hour, which means that for a person who's furry between the legs, complete pubic hair removal could cost more than $1,000. Electrolysis is usually used to remove a small number of unsightly hairs, for example, on women's upper lips.
Tweezing is commonly used to remove a small number of hairs, for example, in the eyebrows. Most people consider it too time-consuming for large areas such as pubic hair. On the Web sites devoted to pubic hair removal, tweezing is rarely mentioned, and never touted.
Depilatory creams dissolve hair. They work well for some people. But most find the chemical ingredients too irritating for sensitive genital skin. Few people who post on pubic-shaving Web sites use them.
Nichols says that for spot hair removal, professional make-up artists recommend Magic Shave, a depilatory developed for black men's beards. "It's strong, but for little problem areas, it works."
My boyfriend is a insulin-dependent diabetic. I hear this can cause impotence. Is this true?:
Q: My boyfriend is a insulin-dependent diabetic. I hear this can cause impotence. Will it? I'm a 41-year-old woman, diabetic since I was 11. Lately, I've had vaginal dryness and irritation during sex. Could this be related to diabetes?
A: The myth is that diabetes makes men impotent and that the disease has no real effect on women. Wrong on both counts.
Diabetic men have a higher rate of erection problems than the healthy male population, but diabetes DOES NOT doom a man to impotence. Poorly controlled diabetes--where the person's blood sugar is chronically high--damages both the nervous system and the cardiovascular system (the blood vessels). Erection depends on both of these systems. Healthy nerve function is necessary to respond to sexual stimuli, and to open (dilate) the arteries that carry blood into the penis. And a healthy cardiovascular system is necessary to deliver the extra blood. A history of poorly controlled diabetes can impair erection. But even in the worst case, diabetic erection problems rarely signal the end of a man's erectile capacity. Diabetic erection problems can often be resolved, and if not, there are other workable alternatives.
Diabetic sex problems in women are rarely discussed, but they are possible. Just as in men, poorly controlled diabetes damages both the nervous and cardiovascular systems. Both are involved in vaginal lubrication. Healthy nerve function is necessary to respond to sexual stimuli, and to dilate the arteries that carry extra blood into the pelvic area. And a healthy cardiovascular system is necessary to deliver the extra blood, which pushes some intercellular fluid into the vagina as lubrication. Vaginal dryness--and irritation from intercourse that's insufficiently lubricated--are more of a problem for diabetic women than for healthy women.
Commercial lubricants can relieve diabetic (or any) vaginal dryness. Diabetic women should use them liberally, and explain why they are necessary to lovers who are unaware that the illness contributes to vaginal dryness. Diabetic women should also follow the suggestions below for diabetic men.
To minimize risk of diabetic erection impairment, we suggest the following:
- Try to relax about the sexual implications of diabetes. Stress contributes to erection impairment in men and scant lubrication in women. When diabetics worry about their ability to function sexually, they have more difficulty doing it.
- Diabetics should strive for tight blood-sugar control. Many, many studies have shown that as blood sugar control improves, risk of ALL diabetic complications, including sex problems, decreases substantially. To learn the latest about tight control, diabetics should work with an endocrinologist, and a certified diabetes educator. For referrals, consult the American Diabetes Association office nearest you.
- No diabetic should not smoke. Smoking greatly accelerates cardiovascular damage.
- Diabetics should drink alcohol sparingly, if at all. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It interferes with the nerve function involved in sexual function.
- Diabetic men should be very careful about taking other drugs that may impair erection. The list is long. Check with your doctor and pharmacist. But antidepressants are a frequent cause of erection impairment.
- Consider having sex therapy as a couple. Sex therapists enjoy good success treating sex problems related to diabetes. To find a sex therapist near you, contact either or both of these organizations: The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.asect.org, or by e-mail at aasect@worldnet.att.net; or the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS) at www.ssc.wisc.edu/ssss/, or by e-mail at thesociety@worldnet.att.net.
Is it normal for a woman who is definitely not lesbian, to have sexual curiosity and fantasies about other women?:
It's perfectly normal--and fairly common--for people who identify as heterosexual to have same-sex fantasies. Sexual orientation is not always an either-or affair. Some people are 100 percent hetero with no interest
A: It's perfectly normal--and fairly common--for people who identify as heterosexual to have same-sex fantasies. Sexual orientation is not always an either-or affair. Some people are 100 percent hetero with no interest in or curiosity about same-sex lovers. Others are 100 percent homosexual, with no interest in the opposite sex. But many people fall somewhere in between. Many people are basically hetero with some homo interest--whether they limit it to fantasy or act on it. Others are or basically homo with some hetero interest. And some are bisexual, with clear interest in sex with both men and women. All these sexualities are normal.
If you enjoy your same-sex fantasies, then carry on. Enjoy them. We believe in complete freedom of sexual fantasy. In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. (Of course, you must always be clear on the difference between fantasy and reality.) We suggest that you relax about your same-sex fantasies, and enjoy this aspect of your sexuality as a special gift--twice as many potential people to fantasize about than total heterosexuals.
Do same-sex fantasies mean you're gay or lesbian? No. All they mean is that you get turned on by same-sex fantasies. You can be a very happy, well-adjusted heterosexual and have same-sex fantasies.
However, same-sex fantasies suggest that you're not 100 percent absolutely and only heterosexual. They indicate at least some homoerotic interest. That's fine. It's perfectly normal to be homosexual/lesbian. And it's perfectly normal to be basically hetero with some same-sex interest.
Should you act on same-sex fantasies? That's not for us to say. That's for you to decide--and you alone. Think about it. Fantasize about it. Take your time. Figure out what you'd like to do. If you'd like a good resource that may help you make up your mind, visit Bisexual Internet Resources on the Web: www.bisexual.org/BiResources.html.
I'm interested in having my nipples and clit pierced. Is this safe?:
Q: I have pierced ears and a nose ring. I'm interested in having my nipples and clit pierced. I know women who have had done this, who say it was no problem. But I wonder if it's safe. Is it? Does it hurt to have your nipples pierced? Can men get their nipples pierced?
A: Men and women can get their nipples pierced.
For those aroused by it, nipple and clitoral piercing can bring excitement and new pleasure, but erotic piercing also carries some risks. If you've had your ears pierced, you know that for a few weeks afterward, you have to treat the holes with an antiseptic solution to prevent infection. As the various parts of the anatomy go, the ear lobes don't come in contact with all that many bacteria, and the ear lobe environment--cool, dry, and exposed to light--does not favor the growth of most germs. But infections can still develop if you neglect the antiseptic.
The situation with nipples and between the legs is quite different. Those areas are in the dark much of the time, because of clothing. They are also warmer--in the case of nipples, because of clothing, and with the clitoris, clothing and extra body heat from its position between the thighs. Darkness and warmth favor the growth of many potentially infection-causing micro-organisms.
The clitoris is also more likely than the ears and nipples to come in contact with bacteria and fungi that might cause problems. It's adjacent to the vagina, which normally contains several different micro-organisms, for example, yeast, and fairly close to the anus, a source of many bacteria, for example, E. coli, the bug that causes urinary tract infections.
The upshot is that nipple piercing and especially clitoral piercing are both medically riskier than ear piercing, with clitoral piercing the most potentially problematic.
In recent years, as body piercing has become more popular, the medical journals have published an increasing number of reports of infections and other problems, especially among people with pierced tongues. If you really want to pierce your nipples or clitoris--actually, it's the clitoral hood that usually gets pierced--we would advise caution.
Interview providers in advance. Ask about their procedures. Before piercing, the area should be thoroughly washed with soap and then disinfected with alcohol. A local anesthetic ointment should be applied. If you're really pain-shy, consul a medical professional about an injected local anesthetic. The piercer should wear latex gloves. The piercing instrument should be sterilized. You should use antiseptic on the area twice a day for several weeks. If you develop ANY signs of infection afterwards--pain, warmth, redness, or oozing from the hole--consult a physician promptly. And if you're nervous, consult your doctor before and after.
If you'd like to experiment with nipple piercing without actually doing it, Videosextoy.com offers some products that can simulate the experience, notably Nipple Rings and Nipple Pleasers. They attach like clip-on ear rings, and can provide all the pleasure of piercing without going under the needle. Nipple Rings and Nipple Pleasers can also be used on the clitoral hood and vaginal labia.
