Welcome to the hell mouth

BY SASHA

I'm a 27-year-old guy dating a 25-year-old guy. We've been seeing each other for about a month now and I've noticed two things about him: he constantly has bad breath and he has what seems to be a gum infection. I tell you this because when we have oral sex he insists on swallowing my semen when I ejaculate. It's a major turn-on for him and as he puts it, he doesn't want to waste one drop of it. Do you think it could become a health problem, considering we have sex at least five times a week? He brushes once a day and hardly ever sees a dentist. M.A.

If you are inquiring about semen rotting his teeth and gums as if it were candy, Claudia, from Toronto dentist Dr. Ken Montague's office, checked with one of their hygienists who said that semen "should not have any deteriorating effect on his dental health." She says his bad breath is likely from the build-up of plaque on his teeth and bacteria on his tongue, as well as possibly from cavities. She suggested he should see a dentist, of course, as well as remembering to brush his tongue when he brushes his teeth.

If you are concerned about the possibility of him contracting something like HIV, then absolutely, his infected gums could provide an entry point for the virus if you, or any of his former lovers, are positive.

And on the purely sucking side of things, if you haven't taken the appropriate steps to ensure that both of you are apprised of your STI status, and you are non-monogamous on top of it, then you may both be at risk for infections like syphilis, which is running roughshod over the queer-boy community again. If you want more information on this, go to www.actoronto.org/syphilis.

THE UNHAPPY HOOKER

Do you know of any resources where I can connect with other women -- single moms, etc. -- who're involved in sex or erotic work due to poverty, and who do not like what they do, but do it out of economic necessity? The non-judgmental sex-worker support agencies (like Maggie's) are very uncomfortable talking about this, as it seems like a political compromise to admit how many of us do not want to do this, but have little or no other options. No one wants to talk about both the economic realities and simultaneously acknowledge the emotional, psychological and physical difficulties involved. PLEASE LET ME KNOW

One of the reasons groups like Maggie's feel they have to publicly and collectively focus on the positive aspects of sex work, sometimes eclipsing its undeniable hardships, is because of the obvious impact of groups with an opposing viewpoint. While some of these organizations are also small and independent, the fact remains that laws against solicitation, negative opinions from most religious organizations, awards and accolades from law enforcement and other agencies, and relentlessly pessimistic depictions of prostitution in mainstream culture, all lend support to their position. When grassroots groups have to combat intense prejudice from all sides, it is both difficult and politically unwise for them to be open about the complexities of their work. It's pretty obvious when you talk to people at places like Maggie's about this that people have used laments such as your own to encourage dialogue and to collect negative data to further their own agenda, too. Being constantly on the lookout for entrapment tactics can also restrict candid opinions.

As Montreal-based sex-worker advocate Jenn Clamen says, "Sadly, this woman is right. People have a hard time acknowledging the difficulties of sex work without judgment, positive or negative. Unfortunately, a lot of sex workers have gotten caught up in a debate that was neither invited nor welcomed, leaving a lot of sex workers without resources."

Clamen also points out that "the reason some sex-work projects do not address all of these issues is because they are running between trying to eliminate violence and reacting to all the police brutality. The other resources that people need can usually be found elsewhere, though it's true that there needs to be a sex-work-friendly place to go. Most organizations should have a list of sex-worker-friendly accountants, lawyers and mom groups." She adds, "I understand that [Please Let Me Know] seeks organizations that aren't necessarily whore-positive and just neutral, but traditionally neutral projects aren't neutral, they are usually abolitionists, or at least teetering on negative views of sex work."

Most organizations run by sex workers, like Maggie's or Stella (in Montreal), won't necessarily be judgmental about the fact you work out of necessity, even if they may be reluctant to discuss it as openly as you might like. After all, as Clamen says, "most jobs are out of necessity, and are maintained for survival."

She suggests www.escortsupport.com, as a support network for higher-income sex workers. "Of course, as an online support group, this doesn't offer all kinds of support that people need, but it's a chance to liaise with other escorts. My advice? Put out a call to all sex workers who want to talk about the issues that matter to you. If the issues are about how sucky the job is, and how it shouldn't exist, try the abolitionists. If it's about getting support around the psychological and physical difficulties, this isn't something that most sex-work projects will deny. In fact, most of the services are built around this very notion, and were brought into existence because of that reality."

Something that may be of interest to you is the annual conference and festival the Montreal Coalition for the Rights of Sex Workers is putting on in mid-June. They host sex workers and activists from around the world, who speak on a variety of work-related issues, screen films and hold a few parties and cabarets so you can mingle and talk openly with your peeps. The Coalition is still fine-tuning the schedule, but you can get the most current information at 514-859-9009, or by emailing lacoalition2000yahoo.com. The website is www.lacoalitionmontreal.com.

LOVE BITS

Non-monogamy is always a hot topic here at Love Bites, and I encourage those who are interested in pursuing it openly to check out Leanne Cusitar's workshop Polyamory: Queer Non-Monogamy, at the 519 Community Centre, 519 Church, room 31, on Thursday, May 27 from 8-10pm. The event is free and open to all. Cusitar has a master's in social work and over 15 years experience as a sexual health counsellor, and is polyamorous herself. As Cusitar's bio reads, "She does these workshops not because she considers herself an expert on polyamory but rather because she loves to talk with others about the complexity of negotiating ethical relationships."

Email Sasha at sashaeye.net or send your questions to Sasha c/o eye, 70 Peter St., Toronto, M5V 2G5.